What's the Menu?
by A-Lord-Over-Birds
Summary: Ness gets a crash course in life while inadvertently getting himself into odd situations. Rewrite of EB. Rated T for some swearing and references. Update: I fixed the fact that Chapter 7 wasn't uploaded.
1. Introduction

**Introduction**

**What if Ness and company saw the world like we did in EB? My version of events, full of ridiculousness. (...)**

* * *

Onett, a town in Eagleland.

It is the year 199X.

"Stupid programmers. They forgot the '5.'"

The world shook and suddenly the speaker fell out of bed.

"Ouch!" he said.

"Ne-ess! Are you alright?" called a woman's voice-Ness's mother.

"I'm fine, Mom!" he called back.

"Can you answer the door?"

Ness turned around to find he couldn't move. "Ah, shoot! I can't move!" he said.

THANKS, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. WE JUST READ THE SAME LINE TWICE. NOW PRESS THE D-PAD TO MOVE.

"Who said that!"

GO ON, PRESS IT, YA BIG WUSS.

"I am not!"

THEN PRESS THE D-PAD.

Ness looked around. "What's a d-pad!"

THAT CROSS-SHAPED THING WITH THE LITTLE ARROWS ON IT.

He spotted one on his dresser, which was a few feet away. He managed to pick it up and pressed the top button, and his legs immediately began working.

"This is creepy," he muttered. "And I can't open the door!

JUST WALK INTO IT.

"I'll fall over."

WALK INTO IT!

Ness obeyed the strange voice and walked into the door.

The world faded, there was a creaking noise, and then it came back. He was now in the hall-but the door was still shut. Using the d-pad, he walked towards the stairs to find they ended in blackness.

WALK INTO THAT.

"I'll fall into nothing," he argued.

I SAID-

"Okay, okay." Ness took a deep breath and stepped into nothingness...or so he thought. The world faded, he heard footsteps, and he was now on the first floor of his house.

"Such an annoying knock!" grumbled his younger sister, Tracy.

"Why couldn't you have gotten it?"

"Then I would go on an adventure instead of you and you'd just sit here reading newspapers. The apple predicted THREE boys, not two, and ONE girl, not two. (Although that's really unfair to the unlucky girl-)"

"Alright, Trace. I get it," he said. He walked towards the door, but it fell off its hinges before he reached the knob.

Just kidding.

Really, Ness somehow opened the door from halfway across the room and Pokey Minch, elder son of their neighbors Aloysus and Lardna Minch, came running in.

"Ness! Ness! The fuzz are out here! They've put up roadblocks and junk like usual!"

He almost ran out the door, but then remembered something.

"Ness, you should come see! Oh, hello, ma'm. You're looking lovely, as usual," he added with a quiet snicker unnoticed by Ness's mom. Ness, who stood right in front of him, stomped on his foot.

"I'm going out, Mom!" said Ness.

"Not in your jammies, you aren't!"

"Mom!" He made a slicing motion across his throat, indicating to stop talking about jammies, although admittedly he was in his pajamas.

He went upstairs, completely bewildered by the stairs that cut off and reappeared and the doors he could walk through with a fade transition. He got dressed and sped down the void-stairs and out the door, which was thankfully open. He ran out with Pokey (who was fatter and slower) and suddenly found roadblocks.

"Leave this to me, Pokey, master-information-finder!" said Pokey, grinning smugly. Ness scowled. His friend seemed...different lately.

He went back into his house and went back to bed in his clothes, but was awoken about 2 hours later by none other than Pokey knocking on the door. He endured another few fade transitions and sounds in the darkness to go back downstairs and open the door.

"Ne-e-e-ess!" he wailed. "Picky's missing! I don't know where he is!"

"He is?" said Ness dully. This happened frequently. "Alright, I'll be out in a second."

"There's a cracked bat in Tracy's room, dear," said his mom. "Take that for protection."

Ness obeyed, and went into Tracy's room via another door that didn't open but instead warped him to the other side with a creaking noise. There was a box in there. It looked like a present.

"What the...how do you keep a bat in here? It's much too small," he said. Then he tried to open it. "Does this girl lock away her bats?" Then he frowned. "No, that sounds like a eupheism for something worse."

OPEN THE MENU AND SELECT "Check/Talk."

"What's the menu!" Ness exclaimed.

GO ON, DO IT! OPEN THE MENU!

Ness ignored the voice and went downstairs. He grabbed a lighter, then went back upstairs and lit the box on fire. It did not burn away, but instead sat there burning.

"Okay, I give up. What's the menu? How do you open it!"

PRESS Y.

"Uh...what?"

PRESS Y!

Ness went back into his room and found a Y button sitting on his dresser. He found other buttons, too, so he just took all of them, even the coat button.

"Okay, now what?" he said once he was in Tracy's room again.

PRESS Y!

He pushed the Y button and a small menu appeared, floating in midair. A small box floated right under it, with the number 5 and a dollar sign next to it. He had five dollars in his pockets as well, so this must tell money.

Another box with a checker pattern and two sets of three boxes floated nearby. In the top boxes (labeled "HP") the number 50 was present, and the bottom (labeled "PP") the number 10 was present.

There was an arrow next to "Check/Talk", and it was blinking.

NOW PRESS THE A BUTTON.

Ness searched his pockets and found an A button by feeling the indented letters on each small cylinder. He pressed it and immediately a bat popped out of the box, which, without even moving, was suddenly open. He picked it up.

"Well, at least now I've got a weapon," he said, swinging it.

GO BACK TO THE MENU.

"What was that again?"

GO BACK TO THE MENU!

"No, the button."

Y.

Ness pressed it and the menu popped up again.

GO TO "Equip".

"How!"

USE THE D-PAD.

Ness found the button that also controlled his legs and selected "Equip."

"Wait...I'm holding it! I've already got it equipped!"

NO YOU DON'T.

"That doesn't make sense. Why should I have to do this?"

BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMERS MADE YOU.

"Dang!" Ness pressed the A button and found some text.

Weapon: (None)  
Head: (None)  
Body: (None)  
Arms: (None)  
Other: (None)

"Why doesn't it say pants?" Ness asked, confused. "And why does it say I'm not wearing anything!"

YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING EQUIPPED. NOW PRESS A. THE ARROW IS ALREADY ON "Weapon".

Ness pressed A and another screen appeared. There was a large black box with text: "Cracked Bat". He pressed A, since the arrow was on it, and it went back to the equip window. Next to "Weapon" it now read "Cracked Bat".

"Oh. That makes more sense," said Ness.

NOW YOU REALIZE. JEEZ.

"Whaddya mean, jeez?"

JUST...DROP IT.

Ness went downstairs and found Pokey waiting.

"Oh, hello, Ness. It takes you a while to pick up a bat out of a box, I see."

"Shut up, Pokey," he growled. "I had to use buttons and the menu and all that junk."

They were about to walk out the door when Ness's mom suggested they take King, Ness's lazy sheepdog.

"Well, come on then," said Ness, calling his dog from the couch. King did not respond.

"Come on!"

No response.

USE "Check/Talk" TO TALK TO HIM.

"Oh, duh. I should have realized despite the fact that I've never had to use a menu to talk to my dog or a button to control my legs."

"Who are you talking to?" asked Pokey. Ness did not respond, but instead pressed the Y button. The menu appeared again. He selected "Check/Talk."

"Here, King!" he said again.

("What?") his dog responded. Ness was somewhat taken aback that he understood the low growl, but he spoke again anyway.

"Come on, we're going for a walk."

("At 5 A.M.?") King barked, although quietly.

"Er...yes, at 5 A.M. We've gotta find Picky."

("Fine, I'll come.") He rose, yawned, and stretched, then walked over to them.

Pokey joined your party!

This was displayed suddenly on a text box at the top of Ness's visual range. He, Pokey and King looked up, but the message was replaced with:

King joined your party!

"Huh," said Ness, not entirely freaked out. He was getting used to the oddities of this strange new life with buttons and menus.

They walked out the door, but five seconds later a Wild Dog jumped out from the bushes and the world froze. Then it turned gray.

"ARGH! I'm going colorblind!" cried Ness, but seconds later the Wild Dog was in much better detail and bizarre colored energy floated through the air around them. While the world had regained color, they seemed to be in some sort of arena and could not escape.

"W-what's happening!" said Pokey, flipping out.

A menu had appeared in the air, but Ness was flipping out too. He had no clue what was happening.

USE IT LIKE NORMAL! YOU'RE IN COMBAT, BUT CONTROLS HAVEN'T CHANGED!

Ness pressed the A-Button while the arrow was on "Bash", seeing as he had no items.

Text appeared, replacing the menu.

Ness attacks! The Wild Dog takes 5 damage!

"That doesn't make any sense!" said Ness.

More text appeared.

The Wild Dog lunged for Ness!  
Ness takes 4 damage!

At the same time Ness felt teeth in his arm. He looked down and saw that the Wild Dog had indeed bitten him. With his free arm he pressed the A button again (the battle menu had reappeared) and caused his arm to move. He cracked it over the head with the bat and it backed off.

Ness attacks!  
The Wild Dog takes 5 damage!  
Pokey hid behind Ness!

Ness realized Pokey was hiding behind him.

"Quit it!" he said through clenched teeth.

King growled and charged forwards! The Wild Dog took 9 damage!  
The Wild Dog became tame!  
Ness gained 4 exp!  
Ness grew to level 2!

A list of something looking like stat boosts appeared, along with a single line of text:

Ness realized the power of PSI Lifeup Alpha!

King backed off from the Wild Dog, which had become tame. It ran off, yelping loudly.

"It's still attacking! It destroyed my eardrums!" moaned Pokey.

"Shut up!" said Ness. "That's not the only creature that'll attack us..." A crow flew towards them, cawing ominously. The next moment it had pecked Ness in the face.

The Thieving Crow pecked at Ness's gace!  
Ness took 3 damage!

Ness noticed the menu reappear, but was too preoccupied to hit the A button.

"My gace?" asked Ness. "What's a gace?"

A TYPO. IGNORE IT.

"Why?"

WHY NOT?

"I'm getting tired of you..." Ness pressed the A button and his arm moved to hit the crow.

A word appeared.

SMAAAAAAASH!  
The Thieving Crow took 14 damage! The Thieving Crow became tame!  
It left a present! Inside the present was a cookie! Ness took the cookie.

At the same time he realized he was picking up the cookie out of the box. He put it in his pack.

They kept walking. Along the way they encountered more of the strange creatures, and at one point the small counter labeled "HP" that appeared in battle was displaying the number 1.

"If I've played video games, 1 HP isn't good!" he cried, dodging a snake that lunged for him.

USE PSI LIFEUP ALPHA.

"What's PSI Lifeup Alpha!" he screamed, ducking underneath the snake again.

THERE'S THREE LETTERS: P, S, AND I, OR ARE YOU BLIND NOW?

"No, I'm not!" he yelled, hitting the snake in the side of the head. It flew into the air and out of sight, but a dog rushed in to take its place.

JUST USE THE D-PAD AND A BUTTON!

Ness hurriedly moved the small, blinking arrow to the three letters and pressed the A button. A small menu came up.

NOW GO TO HEALING!

He obeyed.

HIT A AND THEN HIT IT TWO MORE TIMES.

The arrow moved into the small box where the word PSI Lifeup was displayed, along with a small Greek letter Alpha. He hit it again, selecting the PSI Lifeup text and then again, selecting the letter. Immediately he saw green light rising around him, and the numbers in the boxes labeled HP returned to 50.

"Take that!" he shouted as he swung the bat at the Wild Dog's side. At the same time King charged its other side, throwing it into the bat. It fled the scene, whimpering.

Ness gained 4 exp! Ness grew to level 3!

Following was the list of stat boosts.

"This is annoying," commented Ness, watching the scrolling stats.

DEAL WITH IT.

He decided not to answer, because the voice was more annoying and he didn't feel like being lectured on how to use the menu...again.

Ness walked up the hill, still pressing the D-Pad. He soon realized that when he was walking up or down, he had a neutral expression, but when walking sideways he was smiling. "That's kinda stupid," he thought to himself.

A rather odd glow came from the hill right above them.

"That's it! The meteor!" exclaimed Pokey.

"Shut up," growled Ness, resisting the urge to hit Pokey with his bat...well, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Pokey was so dense it might break-it was already cracked.

("I'm scared!") howled King, rushing back past Ness suddenly and causing him to fall-into a rosebush. After pulling several thorns out of his shirt and fumbling with the PSI option on the menu to heal himself, he noticed that King was running towards the house.

"Come back here, fat lazy dog!" commanded Ness.

("Aroooo! No way!")

Ness watched the dog's tail vanish into the door and shook his head before he realized he'd dropped the D-pad when King had knocked him over. He spotted it lying in the roses.

"Pokey, can you get my D-pad for me?" asked Ness.

"Sure," replied Pokey, reaching towards the rosebushes and suddenly withdrawing his hand. "Wait. There are thorns in there!"

"Oh, for Pete's sake, deal with it!" cried Ness, exasperated.

"But-but-"

"Do it or I'll hit you from here to the moon," threatened Ness, still fearing for the cracked bat and what would happen if he followed through on that threat.

Pokey hurriedly snatched it from the rosebushes and handed it back. The pair walked up to the meteor and roused Picky.

"Huh? Whaa?" mumbled the sleepy Picky.

"You eejit, what are you doing?" exclaimed Ness.

"I didn't want my pet cricket to get mistaken for a dung beetle like all of my other pets-"

"Even the cat?" asked Ness.

"Yeah, she thought it was a giant furry one and stomped on it. Big fat mess, and we had to clean it up, too."

"That woman is just insane."

"Yeah, well, come on," growled Pokey. "Let's get outta here."

"Wait."

"Who said that?" asked Picky, panicking.

"Do you hear...buzzing?" asked Pokey.

"Yeah," said Ness fearfully. When he was a child, he had watched the old Winnie-the-Pooh cartoons on TV occasionally. Where there was buzzing, the fat Pooh had always done something stupid to get honey. Pokey was fat, too-were all fat things that way? Would Ness need to rescue a burning Pokey from the sizzling flames of the meteor because he thought there were bees in the meteor? He certainly feared that.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of a stretch. But there WAS something buzzing in the meteor...

"I am Buzz Buzz. Ness, I have come to deliver a message to you."

A large beelike insectoid rose from the burning meteor and buzzed around Ness's head.

"You are destined to save the world."

* * *

So? How did you like it? Review, please!

Oh, and be sure to read Rise of the Escaryuba! It's not as lighthearted as this fic-kind of darker, with the occasional happiness and jokes. It's pretty good, though, in my opinion. (Well, I wrote it, so I would say that. Decide for yourself!)

Heh, this is more lighthearted. This story is just a preview/intro to the actual story. It's a spoofed-up, joke-filled version of Earthbound, including the buttons on the controller and the stupid nonsense.

Cheers, and cya until next time!


	2. Not More of This

Chapter 1: Not More of This

Okay, so maybe only a few people reviewed this, either directly or indirectly, but I'd like to write more of it, so enjoy!

I don't own Altec Lansing, but I do own a pair of good-quality speakers from them that my cockatiel has been attempting to break lately, so I don't let him near them any more...

Oh. And I haven't played Earthbound for a few years, so I forgot many enemy names. Feel free to correct me.

* * *

"If I was destined to save the world, why am I slightly chubby and wearing a striped shirt and unable to move without the help of a D-Pad?" asked Ness.

"You're getting your tenses all mixed up. It's not 'if I was destined,' it's 'if I AM destined.' Remember that next time you're going to try and contradict what I say," snapped Buzz Buzz.

"How about you stop correcting everyone, Mr. Grammar Nazi?" said Ness.

"NEVER!"

Ness poked Buzz Buzz and he screamed before falling into Ness' palm.

"Take THAT!" he shouted at the semi-conscious insect.

"I'm not an insect," said Buzz Buzz, glancing at the above text in the floating dialogue box.

"Hey, how can you see that?" asked Ness, looking up.

"It's a party-member thing."

"Oh, great. I'm stuck with an insect that goes spastic on you if you mix up 'was' with 'am.'"

"I'm not an insect!" exclaimed Buzz Buzz again.

"Then how come you look exactly like a bee?" asked Pokey.

"Did anybody ask you, Fatso? I'm glad nobody had to pull you out of a burning meteorite because you heard buzzing and thought there was honey. Like you need more food," spat Buzz Buzz. Ness was shocked; maybe they had more in common than he had thought.

"Uhm...let's get out of here?" cringed Pokey, quivering dangerously.

"Good idea," said Buzz Buzz. The author stopped writing for a moment to adjust the broken "Altec Lansing" plate on his left speaker.

They turned and walked down the path, and were nearly at Pokey's house (they had to bring Picky home) when a beam of light appeared in front of them. A peculiar robot-looking thing with two tentacles beamed down and glared.

"How did you guys become so advanced when you have tentacles for manipulating things? Humans clearly have the evolutionary advantage, with their opposable thumbs," pointed out Ness.

"IT'S A *BZZT* VERY LONG STORY. *BZZT,*" replied the robot.

"Starmen! They've followed us here!" exclaimed Buzz Buzz. "Here, Ness, have 128 experience."

"You're not allowed to do that," pointed out Ness.

"I'll do what I want. It's not like I have to contour to every rule."

"You contoured to every rule of grammar."

"SHUT UP!"

Ness grew to Level 4!

Ness realized the power of PSI Hypnosis Alpha!

They watched the stat boosts silently.

"CURSES," said the robot.

"Turn off caps lock already," said Ness.

"Fine. Now prepare to die!" cried the Starman, in a voice far different from its caps-lock voice.

The Starman Junior attacked!

Buzz Buzz tried PSI Shield Σ!

Buzz Buzz was enveloped by a forcefield!

Ness was enveloped by a forcefield!

The author didn't feel like writing about how everyone else was enveloped by a forcefield, so he skipped that part!

The Starman Junior used PK Fire β!'

Ness and co. were protected by their shields!

Pokey cried and hid behind Ness like a wimp!

Picky bravely attacked for 1 damage!

Ness tried PSI Hypnosis α!

The Starman Junior fell asleep in battle and rendered himself stupid!

Buzz Buzz charged and stung the Starman Junior!

The Starman Junior took 101 damage!

The Starman Junior woke up!

Pokey's forcefield began to fade!

The Starman Junior tried PK Freeze β!

Pokey wailed, but unfortunately, Buzz Buzz intercepted and tried PSI Shield Σ, blocking the PSI!

Ness swore quietly to himself and hit the Starman Junior!

SMAAAAAASSH!

The Starman Junior took 16 damage! Ness swore again!

The author listened to Coldplay!

Pokey cried again!

Pokey's actions were moved to the spam folder and filtered so now we don't have to see his annoyingness!

Picky kicked the Starman Junior in the shin!

The Starman Junior was defeated!

YOU WIN!

"The reader didn't win. I won," said Ness.

NESS, BUZZ BUZZ, AND PICKY WON!

Ness gained 500 experience points! Ness grew to Level 5!

Buzz Buzz was labeled with "Useful Ally!"

Picky was labeled with "Brave Ally!"

The author was labeled with "Spam Filterer!"

The author yelled at the dialogue box!

The box ignored him!

* * *

"That was...really weird," finished Ness as they entered Pokey's house. Picky and Pokey were quickly punished, but Buzz Buzz was about to meet a worse fate.

Flying around Ness' head, Mrs. Minch noticed him and slapped him to the ground. He coughed.

"DUNG BEETLE!" she shrieked.

"Calm down, woman!" yelled Ness. "He's not a dung beetle, he's my friend!"

"DUNG BEETLE!" she said, slapping Ness. He snarled and retailiated with a PSI Hypnosis. She fell straight back and conked her head on the floor. THAT was

gonna hurt in the morning.

"Are you alright?" Ness asked Buzz Buzz.

"I just lost my leg, that's all. And my wing is crumpled. I can't fight anymore, no, and since bugs can't eat PSI-restoring things like humans, I can't really help."

"I'll carry you with me. Does that make sense?" Ness frowned.

Buzz Buzz's answer was blocked by being put in a small container with holes, water, and food, and then he was hung around Ness' neck like a necklace.

"Is this necessary?" he inquired.

"Well, if you stayed, she would wake up and attack you again, so it makes sense. Plus, the author hated seeing Buzz Buzz die, so he quickly came up with a solution

that in no way affects the plotline!" explained Ness.

"Well, here," said the bug, and he took out a weird-looking rock.

"How do you carry this?" wondered Ness.

"It's a long story."

"Well, what is it?"

"It's called a Sound Stone. Visit all of the 'Your Sanctuary' spots and obtain their melodies, and bam, you grow twenty levels," said Buzz Buzz.

"Fascinating. So how am I supposed to know where to go?"

"All the towns have numbers in their names. Visit them each in succession, and you'll find sanctuary spots as you go along. Plus, I'll be hiding in this little container, so I can give you some advice."

"Do they? Huh. I never noticed...oh, wait, ONEtt, TWOson, THREEd, FOURside...why is their no Fiveapolis or something?"

"There might be. I don't know," said Buzz Buzz. "What do you think I am, a tour guide?"

They exited the house and went back to Ness'. Luckily, Ness' mother understood the whole deal about Buzz Buzz and was not mortally terrified of dung beetles which didn't even live in Onett.

* * *

The next morning, Ness strolled into Onett. It wasn't very interesting, as usual, except for the newly formed gang calling themselves the Sharks that had taken over the arcade.

"These guys are morons...they REALLY need a hobby," he muttered to himself. "Hey! Go read a book!" The Shark he had called to walked up to him and shoved him.

"What did you say, punk? Huh?"

Ness punched him in the face.

Ness gained 16 experience points!

Realizing this was a good opportunity to grind, he did some serious grinding up until level 8, when he learned something called PSI Rockin'. Deciding that was enough, he walked into the arcade and fought through still more Sharks, all the way to the back door.

The Pogo Shark attacked!

SMAAASH!

Ness took 15 damage!

The Skateboard Shark tried to attack, but crashed into a Mrs. Pac-Man machine!

The Skateboard Shark took 40 damage! The Skateboard Shark pwned himself!

A Hula Shark joined the battle!

The Hula Shark also tried to attack, but found he was unable to hurt Ness with a hula hoop!

Ness tried PK Rockin' α to try to kill off the two enemies quickly!

The Hula Shark took 55 damage!

The Pogo Shark took 49 damage!

They were defeated!

Ness gained 50 exp. points!

Ness grew to level 9!

The battle ended quickly, and he sprinted to the hotel and back to mysteriously heal himself. It was the next day when he came back, and the Sharks were still lying dazed on the floor, so he walked outside.

"Welcome! I am Frank Fly, leader of the Sharks!"

A weird-looking man stood nearby.

"You're forty-something. You lead a gang of stupid teenagers," snarled Ness.

"Uh-oh..." muttered Buzz Buzz from the container, which mysteriously did not move when Ness walked.

"I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU KIDS! GO! FRANKENSTEIN MARK II! ATTACK!" roared Frank, and the weird robot that looked like it was made of barrels charged and attacked.

* * *

Frankenstein Mark II blew steam!

Ness frowned at the uselessness of that attack!

Ness tried PK Rockin' α!

The Frankenstein Mark II was destroyed!

Ness gained 59 experience points!

"Hmm...okay, maybe that was too easy for you," admitted Frank. "Now, face me!"

Frank Fly attacked!

Frank brandished a knife! Ness smarted and took 14 damage!

Ness hit Frank with his bat!

Frank took 17 damage!

Frank danced around and kicked Ness!

Ness took 10 damage!

Ness tried PK Rockin' α!

Frank took 44 damage! Frank was defeated!

* * *

"Erff...ouch...what...oh. Ness. I'm sorry about that...I don't know what came over me," apologized Frank. "Why am I wearing this! What...I should be at work!"

He rushed off, but not before thanking Ness for helping him.

"Giygas' influence," said Buzz Buzz. "It really gets to people. Frank must have been vulnerable. Now, you should probably tell the mayor how you defeated the Sharks. From my observations, Giant Step is the sanctuary in Onett. So you want to go there."

Ness nodded, and headed for City Hall to tell the mayor. Maybe he could help Ness get to Giant Step.

* * *

Bleh. This wasn't as good as I'd expect, but please review anyway! (I JUST wrote this, so...)

Meh. Review, please!

Now, I need to finish Chapter 4 of Curses to be Broken, or the sequel to Rise of the Escaryuba. Go read that too!

xD

Right. Until next time, I'm signing out!

-A-Lord-Over-Birds


	3. Dogs, Politicians, and Other Things

Chapter 2: Dogs, Politicians, the Macarena, and Rednecks

Worst. Combination. Ever.

Enjoy, and review!

* * *

Ness trudged through the city, towards City Hall. As he stopped to rest for a minute, he noticed a white dog padding towards him.

"Shoo."

The dog kept coming.

"Go on. Git."

It was right next to him when it began to move its hind leg.

"Aww, NO!"

Ness ran towards City Hall before anything happened and the dog pursued him.

"Hey, kid! Get a car! You'll get where you're going, only faster!" shouted a blonde guy from his roofless sports car.

"No, thanks! I'd rather not kill everyone with noxic CO2 emissions!" Ness called back as the dog barked loudly. He kept running, almost crashing into a blue milk truck that was speeding down the road (it slammed into the power lines hanging low nearby and blew up three cars).

He finally reached City Hall and burst through the doors, slamming them shut on the white dog.

"Sorry. You'll have to wait to see the mayor, he's busy," said the secretary.

"Are you, the only person at work today, telling me that I escaped from a dog with a full bladder only to hear that the mayor can't see me and I'm supposed to stand around on a jelly-stained blue rug all day?" asked Ness. As he said this, something leaked under the crack in the door.

"I told the mayor we should fix that crack..." muttered the secretary. "Why, yes, I am telling you that."

Just then, a guy in a black suit exited the door at the far end of the room.

"This boy wants to see the mayor, John," called the secretary.

"If you want to see the mayor...you'll have to get through me," snarled John.

"Is there an alternate way to person-on-person violence?" inquired Ness politely.

"We-ell...you could dance."

"Dance what!"

"The Macarena."

Ness was forced to dance the Macarena!

Ness was painfully reminded of a prehistoric animal!

John laughed! The secretary laughed!

"Alright, kid!"

John called for the Mayor!

The Mayor joined the dance party!

Ness tried to escape!

He was stopped by the thought of the dog with the full bladder!

The Mayor ate a Jelly Donut!

The Mayor's cholesterol level rose by 1!

Ness was forced to dance the Macarena some more!

The Mayor danced the Macarena for the heck of it!

Buzz Buzz tried Scream! Everyone stopped to look!

YOU WIN!

Ness gained the ability to see the Mayor!

Ness' ability to dance the Macarena grew by 1!

"Wait. Was that a battle log?" asked Buzz Buzz!

"Yep," said Ness!

"Crap. The exclamation points are still occuring at the ends of sentences," said John!

"Ignore it. It'll go away," said Ness!

He followed the Mayor into his office!

"So what did you want to see me for?" asked the Mayor!

"I wanted to see you about getting to Giant Step," replied Ness.

"Why?" wondered the Mayor!

"Because I want to go there," answered Ness irritably.

"It's behind that locked redneck shack, though," mumbled the Mayor!

"Don't mumble. People can't hear you," informed Ness.

"What?" asked the Mayor.

"I said, DON'T MUMBLE! PEOPLE CAN'T HEAR YOU!" shouted Ness!

"Oh." He ate another jelly donut and took out the key to the shack. "What makes me think I can trust you?"

"I dismembered the Sharks."

"That just makes me trust you less. And it makes me want to arrest you," scowled the Mayor. "You DISMEMBERED them!"

"Dismembered, defeated, same thing," said Ness.

"Ohh...you meant DEFEATED."

"Yep."

"Do you know what dismembering is?"

"No," began Ness...

The Mayor turned to the large TV and popped in a tape.

"Hi! I'm Paula Polestar, and I'm here to talk to you about dismemberment. Dismemberment is when something is taken apart. It's usually used when talking about corpses. Because of my peaceful nature, I will dismember this leaf as demonstration instead of the live insect they offered." She picked up a leaf and shredded it.

"See? THAT'S dismembering. If you had dismembered the Sharks..." said the Mayor, turning to face Ness.

Ness was slowly tearing apart a dead spider, looking purposely at the Mayor, his eyes large and orange...ish.

* * *

He tore out of the door, key in hand, jumping over the full-bladdered dog. It chased him until it happened to run into a moving bus, which sent it flying up into the air. An unwelcome substance was sprayed onto the windows, and the dog was carted off to the hospital.

"There's an awful lot of animal cruelty and death in this fanfiction," commented Ness to Buzz Buzz.

"Yeah? Well, maybe the fanfiction wants animal cruelty. Ever think of that?"

"Fanfictions don't have feelings."

They ran to the redneck shack-or, rather, Ness ran, while Buzz Buzz danged from his neck and bounced around a lot.

The two rednecks hanging around the entrance were grumbling savagely.

"Excuse me, but can I enter your locked shack?" asked Ness politely.

"What!" exclaimed a redneck, who will be referred to as Redneck One.

"Yeah, sure," said Redneck Two, who, as you probably figured, was the second redneck.

Ness frowned as five more rednecks walked onto the scene, each dumber than the previous. He wondered if these were the people who sometimes came home yelling, "Hi, Uncle Dad!"

"Ye'ze get der key ter da shack-a-hack! Yappers!" shouted one, his jaw quivering ominously.

"Please get away," said Ness quietly.

"Derp-a-wut?"

"Ness. You're gonna have to charge," whispered Buzz Buzz.

"Noper, ye ain't chargin. Ye gotta dance the Macarena," said Redneck...Redneck...which number was he again? He had somehow heard Buzz Buzz.

"I just did the Macarena."

"No ye didn't!" yammered Redneck Two. "Ye walked up here all super-duper and asked us if ye could come inter our shack-a-hack!"

"It's called a shack."

"Shack-a-hack!"

"Shack!"

"Shack-a-hack!"

"Shack!"

"Biskitball play'r!" cried another redneck.

"Well...he's got a point," piped up Buzz Buzz.

"I didn't say Shaq. I said shack," replied Ness.

"Why ye'ze repeatin' yerself?"

"Ugh...I didn't say Shaquille O' Neal, I said shack." Ness scowled.

"Well o' course you didn't say that, I heard ya say Shaq, and he's a biskitball play'r!" Redneck Four waved his arms.

"This cannot possibly bear any more resemblance to Larry Marder's style of writing stuff..." grumbled Buzz Buzz.

"Just...let me into your shack," snarled Ness.

"We ain't got no biskitball play'r! Go talk to der...der...NBA!" exclaimed Redneck One.

"Why ain't I gettin' any lines?" asked Redneck Six.

"Dance the Macarena, and we'll let you into the shack," said Redneck Seven.

"You're not-" began Ness, but the "redneck" flashed him an FBI license and made a sign for him to shush.

"Yea! Wut he sayed!" exclaimed Redneck Five.

Ness danced the Macarena! Again!

Redneck Two drank some moonshine!

The undercover FBI agent asked for a brewing license!

Redneck Two wondered what that was!

The FBI agent arrested the rednecks!

YOU WIN!

Ness grew to level 9!

The FBI agent gained six more captures and a better reputation!

The author earned a "Not paying much attention to what he's writing" sign!

The author also earned a "I'm crazy, don't feed me" sign!

Ness swore loudly. This had been a very stupid day so far.

But finally, he was going to enter Giant Step!

Whatever that meant.

Key in hand, he stepped forward and slowly opened the door.

"Jeez. It stinks in here. What have they been doing!" cried Buzz Buzz.

Just then the floor fell away. Clearly visible was an underground still.

"That explains something," remarked Ness.

But what wasn't going to be explained was why he suddenly needed to use a D-Pad to walk. Or why he had to do any of this.

But still.

* * *

Review, please! I despise this chapter, but trust me. Next chapter will have more plot and less stupidity. Really. REALLY.

Did anyone catch the Harry Potter reference? It was really vague, but...

OH GOD! SPLIT ENZ IS NOW AWESOME.

That's about it. Oh. And look up Larry Marder if you dunno who he is. External references are just plain stupid sometimes.


	4. Please Go Away

Chapter 3: Please Go Away

Pacifists make for some weird jokes.

(Ness's original line in the beginning was "That cannot sound more like a euphemism." I figured that might be a bit rude.)

Read and review!

* * *

Ness exited the redneck shack. Suddenly, a very tall man walked up to him.

"Ness! RUN! IT'S SHAQUILLE O' NEAL! HE'S WONDERING WHY YOU EXITED HIS REDNECK COUSIN!"

"I left a shack, not a redneck Shaq," snapped Ness. "Oh. Wait. AAAAH!"

He fled into the cave, hoping that the small entrance would deter the rest of the NBA that was now pouring into the area.

"Please go away!" squeaked a small voice. "Go, go away!"

"Who said that!" demanded Ness.

"GO AWAY!" squeaked several more voices. He looked down and saw an army of mice and ants begging him to leave.

"Why?"

"You're here to steal our greatest treasure," said one.

"No, Pat, our greatest treasure is here," said another to the first. He patted himself.

Pat the mouse gasped. "He's gonna steal us!"

"Aww, why do we have to be pacifists now? I'd like to beat the crap outta this guy," snarled an ant.

"Jerry. That is not the pacifist way," said a very old, very large ant next to him.

"I know, Father, and I am sorry for it," answered Jerry.

"OUTTA DA WAY!"

"PSI HYPNOSIS ALPHA!"

A gang of fattened slugs shoved their way through the crowd and chest-bumped Ness. It had absolutely no effect, seeing as the slugs were around 3 inches high when rearing up and they had no bones, nor an exoskeleton or any real function whatsoever. It was a blob with a stomach and a miniscule (if existent) brain. The only thing it did was make Ness jump up, not wanting slime on his pants. He squished one by accident.

"HEY! YOU BE KILLIN OUR FREDDY, WE BE KILLIN YOUR FREDDY!" screamed the largest.

"My Freddy?"

"Or whoever your friend is," snapped the slug. "The bee!"

Buzz Buzz leapt to attention.

"Lemme at 'em, Ness!"

Just then, a group of ants marked with golden paint strode up.

"Who you talkin' to, slug-boy?"

"The place is run by gangs," sighed Ness.

"Not your motha! She's so fat she could - "

"She's the queen ant! Of course she's fat!" roared the ant.

"Let's get out of here," whispered Ness to Buzz Buzz. They quietly crept away, when one baby ant looked up.

"Pwease go away," it said, quite loudly.

Everyone stopped. Luckily, the two gangs thought the ant was referring to them.

"LEMME SEE DAT BABY!"

"NO! LET ME!"

"PSI HYPNOSIS ALPHA!"

"PSI HYPNOSIS ALPHA!"

They both hoped to put the other to sleep. Neither attempt worked, seeing as neither had any PSI energy left after their first botched attempts. Ness and Buzz Buzz just walked away. They heard screaming behind them, but did not look back. Instead, they climbed a rope at the far end of the tunnel.

"Hey! Whatchoo doin'!

"Climbing," answered Ness tonelessly, not sure what he was talking to.

"Get offa me!"

The rope swung violently and threw Ness and Buzz Buzz into the air. Fortunately, Buzz Buzz flew against the roof of his container and managed to land Ness on the platform above.

"How did you do that?"

"Magic," said Buzz Buzz tonelessly. "I dunno, alright?"

A mole walked up to them. "PLEASE GO AWAY!" it bawled. Ness kicked it off the ledge and it tumbled into the battling gangs below, killing many invertebrates and wounding many mice.

"Come on, let's just get to the point," snapped Ness. They continued through the cave. Just then, they found a gleaming white human skull.

"Nasstay!" cried Buzz Buzz.

"Hahahahaha!" laughed the audience.

HOLD ON A MOMENT. THERE ISN'T AN AUDIENCE! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

"The director wanted this to be a sitcom. He paid random people to laugh at us," said Ness.

THAT MORON! I'M GOING TO GO HAVE A WORD WITH HIM...

...

"Whaddya mean, fired! I just wanted to make it more like a sitcom!"

THE SITCOM IS A DOOMED GENRE!

"Ooooohhhh...yeah...that..."

"Let's just keep walking," advised Buzz Buzz. Ahead was a dark opening.

"It's dark. What if there are zombies?" asked Ness.

JUST WALK INTO IT. WUSS.

Ness swore and walked into the dark opening. He found a brightly lit cave...and a rope.

"Don't you dare touch me, boy!" it yelled.

"Just let me pass," sighed Ness.

A businessman walked by.

"May I pass?" he asked the rope.

"Certainly, m'dear," answered the rope courteously. He climbed up and went off.

"Why did you let him pass?" asked Ness.

"I got hired by that big silver ant waay up in the cave to not let you pass, and only you."

"Well, I'm going to kill the big silver ant, and then you won't have to worry about consequences," consoled Ness.

"Arrf," barked the rope.

"Uhh...I'll take that as a yes," said Ness, and he climbed up the rope.

The rest of the ropes obliged without complaint. Soon, Ness found himself facing an exit to the cave.

"Wait. Why is there an exit?" he asked.

"It's not an exit. It's a midpoint," said Buzz Buzz.

"Are you telepathic now?"

"I already was."

"Oh."

Ness walked out into the bright sunlight after another fade transition and breathed in the warm summer air. "Mmm...air."

Buzz Buzz slapped himself in the forehead with his front leg.

"Can we go now?" he asked Ness. A fluffy pink butterfly -

BUTTERFLIES ARE NOT FLUFFY!

Ness looked unperturbed by this shocking development and, after a moment of silence, yelled "It's SO FLUFFEH!" and the butterfly landed on him and faded away.

"Aah! Where the hell did that thing go!" screamed Buzz Buzz, looking around wildly.

Ness was reveling in the fluffiness it had left behind and did not immediately notice Buzz Buzz's panicked screaming. Finally, he said, "It vanished into fluffiness."

BUTTERFLIES AREN'T FLUFFY.

"Hahahahahaha!" laughed the audience.

GO AWAY!

"We got paid!" argued a large bald guy in the back row.

"You got paid to have a midlife crisis," muttered Ness savagely. "You sad, sad little testosterone freak, with your Humvee and your fake (bleep) on the trailer hitch."

Buzz Buzz gasped in alarm.

"Oooooh!" wailed the audience.

"I'm allowed to say (bleep)!" argued Ness.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. IT GETS BLEEPED OUT. READ YOUR CONTRACT.

The cameraman came running out from behind the camera, holding a piece of paper as the director paused filming in his stead. Ness read over it several times.

"Wait a minute. I was never being filmed."

"Ever since we turned it into a sitcom, you were," said the director from his chair.

"This isn't even my contract. It's Mel Gibson's. Look, it has his signature on it."

Just then, a basketball flew over his head.

"Ness! The NBA know where we are!" shouted Buzz Buzz desparately. Ness ran to the edge of the cliff.

"I was never inside a redneck Shaq, okay? It was a HOUSE! S-H-A-C-K! NOT S-H-A-Q!" he roared down. A basketball came flying up as he said this and walloped him in the face. He looked up, nose pouring blood. "Unbelievable!" he complained, before seeing a large rock. He held up one palm and it rolled over the edge of the cliff. Anguished yells reverbrated from below.

"Dude. You just crushed half the NBA."

"And?"

"It's not technically a crime, because they're in another dimension," said Buzz Buzz. "Nobody said anything about aliens."

"They aren't aliens, though. They're human, just from that boring dimension where the government is corrupt, this little tiny piece of land is about to launch their entire world into its third massive, multi-country war, except it's been over 60 years and they've developed weapons from radioactive isotopes of something called Plutonium, which is derived from uranium. And don't get me wrong, these weapons are capable of freezing shadows on walls when used, they kill everything within miles.

"And at the same time, over something called the internet, loads of people gabble mindlessly over whether or not one of the biggest terrorist attacks on a place called the United States was done by the government itself with a futuristic weapon the government both denies and acknowledges exists. Apparently, the weapon can disintegrate cement and steel.

"Meanwhile, their entire world is disintegrating and everyone is too lazy to do anything about it. Their excess use of tarry liquid made from giant reptiles that died millions of years ago is causing the world to slowly heat up, the oceans are swelling with melted glacier, species are dying out, they're overpopulating, crime is ever higher, natural disasters cause massive nuclear meltdowns which hurt everyone around the world, and all the fat old men who call themselves politicians are eating jelly doughnuts, and men who call themselves 'messengers of God' are staring avidly at photographs of small children.

"And while ALL this is happening, people are trying to live normal lives, but even our writer is facing interruptions that involve things he isn't willing to talk about. Everything is going to hell, and it's nearly midnight as I'm saying this, but here it's midday, and time is becoming all mixed up and confusing, and everyone is turning on each other.

"And in the middle of that...the writer is finding time to lead a nice, happy life, and is realizing as he writes this that (besides talking about his feelings through a character he didn't create, and this is a fanfiction) that he worries about things that most people don't even know about, and realizes that the creature comforts most people take for granted are really something to be cherished, because when you feel your life is on the line, the little happy things (music, sitting, being happy, reading a book in the comfort of home, and not having to worry about anything) count until something fixes it all."

"And then you can take them for granted again," said Buzz Buzz loudly.

"Just had to ruin my nice speech with a lame joke," grumbled Ness irritably.

ANYWAY, MR. PHILOSOPHER -

"I get it!" yelled Ness, as another basketball soared over his head and the blood on his face congealed, giving him the look of a zombie.

"Let's just hurry up..." muttered Buzz Buzz.

They entered the second cave.

"Help! Help me!" screamed the rope, waving furiously at nothing. "DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU CRAZY BOY!"

Ness grabbed a human rib bone and a rock and impaled the bottom of the rope using the rib bone as a nail. It screamed.

"I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH! HELP! CALL THE PO-LICE!"

"SHUT UP!" roared Ness. The rope was not bleeding, but suffering from a psychological delusion that it was alive. He told it so and instantly, it went still, muttering savagely.

"Kinda grisly, though," said Buzz Buzz matter-of-factly, gazing back at the rope with the human bone driven through it.

"You use what you got," said Ness gruffly.

"You're using too many adverbs!" shouted the director. Ness tossed a rock at him and continued through the cave. The chair he was sitting in followed Ness, camera still aimed at him.

"Technically, you're not allowed to do this," said Ness. "There isn't supposed to be a director."

* * *

The Director shouted at Ness!

Ness yelled back!

Buzz Buzz felt slightly sick at the corpse on the floor!

The Director called for help!

A Lawyer joined the battle!

Ness pulled out a wad of cash!

The Lawyer changed sides!

The Lawyer used summons!

The Director swore and called for help!

Lawyer B joined the battle!

Ness pulled out another wad of cash!

Lawyer B changed sides!

The summons took effect!

A judge joined the battle!

The Director tried to state his case!

The judge overruled it!

The plaintiff explained the situation!

Lawyers A and B presented the evidence!

The judge read Mel Gibson's contract!

The judge glared at the Director!

The Director tried to fabricate evidence to the contrary!

The judge picked up the gavel and rapped it on the desk!

YOU WIN!

Ness gained 500 experience points! Ness grew to Level 13! Ness realized the power of PSI Shield Alpha!

Ness gained $1100 from the court ruling!

The author gained a "I managed to fit a court case into a fanfiction battle log!" sign!

Buzz Buzz earned a "I did nothing" sign!

The Lawyers gained a job in a law firm!

The Director's bank account was proven to hold only $300! The Director gained a 5-year jail sentence on account of the fraudulent contract with $1000 bail!

* * *

Ness frowned. "We just stuffed a court case into a battle log."

"I know," grimaced Buzz Buzz.

They continued to climb the ropes, each of which reacted more and more violently. The last rope had a heart attack, or it thought it did until it remembered it didn't actually have a heart, or veins, or any organs for that matter. Finally, Ness walked straight into a silvery light, which morphed into a giant silver ant.

"This is Your Sanctuary," it snickered. "Or it WAS. It's mine now. All mine!"

Then, it attacked. Or it thought it did, until it remembered that it was an ant.

Ness kicked it.

It flew into a wall and swore loudly.

* * *

The Giant Silvery Ant Thing called for help!

Black Antoids A and B joined the battle!

Black Antoids A and B tried to attack Ness, but failed miserably because they're ants and can't really do anything!

Ness stepped on Black Antoid B by accident!

Black Antoid A called the police!

The police didn't come, because there wasn't any cell phone reception in the cave!

Ness yelled for help!

Lawyers A and B joined the battle! They recognized Ness from before!

Ness defended himself in a court of law! He won the case!

Black Antoid A fled, screaming wildly!

The Giant Silvery Ant Thing tried to pretend it was a cow! It didn't work! Ness attacked!

SMAAAASH!

The Giant Silvery Ant Thing took 100 damage!

The Giant Silvery Ant Thing tried to pass itself off as a Giant Silvery Ant Thing! It worked! Ness attacked again! The Giant Silvery Ant Thing managed to dodge!

Lawyer A used sue!

Lawyer A sued the #$% out of the Giant Silvery Ant Thing!

Lawyer B tried Brainshock Alpha!

Buzz Buzz was momentarily confused at something or other!

The Giant Silvery Ant Thing spontaneously combusted!

YOU WIN!

Ness gained 350 experience points! Ness paid the winnings to the lawyers!

Buzz Buzz earned a "Mentally Insufficient" sign!

The author earned a "Violence With Lawyers" sign!

* * *

Ness walked into the Sanctuary. It was just a gray cave-looking-thing that had a massive footstep in it. He remembered something, a flashback...

"No, King, no!"

A four-year-old Ness was yelling at his imaginary dog, which was a pet rock. There was a large stain on the carpet.

"I didn't know rocks could urinate," he said, awed by this astonishing discovery.

"You already knew," said Buzz Buzz.

"IT WAS SUBCONSCIOUS!" shouted Ness.

They argued all the way back to the entrance of the cave, where the gang of slugs had somehow won the gang battle and had cornered the pacifist mice and ants and slugs and moles.

"PWEASE GO AWAY!" bawled a baby mouse, the same one that had spurred the gang war in the first place.

"No way, punk!" yelled a slug.

Ness remembered a book he read where slugs with crash helmets wanted to take over the world. The crash helmets had prevented people stepping on them.

These slugs did not have crash helmets, so he simply stood on the slug. It died.

The rest fled the scene, but they were hindered by the fact that they were incapable of moving at any speed faster than 500 μm/s.

"You guys are idiots," said Ness.

"SHUT UP, BOY!" screamed a slug, managing to achieve a speed of 501.5 μm/s. "LOOK AT THAT! I'M FASTER THAN YOU! HAHAHA! SUCKER!"

Ness took one step and stood in front of it.

"YOU TELEPORTED!" it bellowed, infuriated, and charged back towards the mice, ants, and moles. Ness frowned and decided to leave them alone. As he left, he heard a vicious snarling from behind; whirling around, a mole was slashing violently at the threatening slugs.

"MICHAEL!" screamed an ant. "NO! YOU BROKE THE PACIFIST CODE!"

"THERE IS NO PACIFISM WHEN YOUR LIFE IS ON THE LINE FROM GANGS!" screamed Michael the Mole.

The rest of the ants, mice, and moles hesitated, then charged, forcing the ants back. Ness left the cave, shaking his head.

"You know, a true pacifist would just push them away and maybe shove em in a cage..." muttered Buzz Buzz. Suddenly, something towered over him.

Shaqulle O' Neal!

He took a step back. The rest of the NBA crowded around the entrance. Suddenly, Ness spotted something moving through the crowd towards him. As the NBA dribbled their basketballs menacingly, the white dog trotted right up to O' Neal and lifted its leg.

It was the dog from earlier!

Ness made a run for it, slipping past the professional basketball players like he was made of water. He was pursued wildly by the dog. Slipping into a bush as he exited the shack, the NBA tore after the dog as it ran by where he crouched, concealed.

"That was close," gasped Buzz Buzz. "I thought we were NBA meat!"

"I know," agreed Ness, grimacing.

"Well, we'd better..." began Buzz Buzz, but just then an air raid siren sounded. "What's going on!" he shouted over the din.

"The military is coming to combat the NBA!" answered Ness. Several choppers soared overhead, pelting the town with bullets. Ness could see the tops of the NBA's heads over some buildings. They were shouting and throwing basketballs at the helicopters. One spiraled out of control, slamming violently into the middle of the NBA.

Several F4 Phantom jets dived from the sky, blasting the NBA with deadly hollow-point bullets. There was a shout: the bullets done their job. Meanwhile, foot soldiers stormed the town, firing M-16s at the deadly foe. The basketballs flew, there was yelling, and more gunfire.

The town exploded in fire. A grenade had been thrown.

"WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!" roared Ness, leaping to his feet and sprinting around the edges of the town. Then he ducked into a tunnel of bushes and managed to evade the combat. After skirting town, he ran into the pass that led to Twoson.

* * *

There we go! Chapter Three is nice and finished up. This is evolving nicely, don't you think?

Okay. I will admit: I liked bringing back that dog from Chapter 2. It had some nice callback quality to it.

Anyway, nothing serious. Pacifist mice, sure. The NBA being attacked by the military, sure. :D

And until next chapter!

A-Lord-Over-Birds


	5. Twoson, Arizona

Chapter 4: Twoson, Arizona

You will soon find that Twoson is not in Arizona.

* * *

Ness looked up at the chapter title, blinking merrily among the stars dotting the night sky. They had spent all day in the cave and escaping the NBA. "Twoson isn't in Ari-zona or whatever," he said, confused. Buzz Buzz nodded in agreement.

The author swore loudly. "I meant...ugh..."

He left to go watch the military battle the NBA. Ness and Buzz Buzz turned and headed back down the path to Twoson, unawares of the awful pun in the chapter name. (Fact: It was based off of Tucson, Arizona.)

Meanwhile, far away...

A girl in a pink dress struggled against the ropes that tied her to a big stick.

"Let me go!" she yelled, still valiantly fighting.

"Hehehe...no." A fat boy with a mess of blonde hair looked at her from behind a mask.

"You're fat. How the hell are you carrying me!" snapped the girl.

"I'm on the other end of the pole..." came a feeble voice. She twisted her head and saw a guy who, behind his mask, did not look happy to be doing this. "Pokey, do you really think we should be - ?"

"Shut up!" yelled the fat kid, who was called Pokey.

"But - "

"I said, shut up! Jeez, Mulliber..."

"My name is Robert."

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE OUR REAL NAMES!"

"But I don't want to do this."

"I'll slug you."

"Will you shut up and get on with it?" sighed the girl, exasperated.

"You shut up! You're the one being kidnapped!" yelled the frustrated fat boy, turning red in the face.

"I hope none of us develop Stockholme syndrome..." muttered Robert, who was, if you remember, the guy who does not want to do this and is good at heart.

"Which one is that?" wondered the girl aloud. "Is that where the kidnapper becomes attached to or associated with the victim, or vice versa?"

"I dunno. It might be the victim that becomes attached to the kidnapper," replied Robert, who had set down his end of the stick.

"Shut up and help!" yelled Pokey desperately. A cat walked up to them. It was named Mittens.

Mittens lived in a quaint little house on the edge of Burglin Park. She ate three meals a day, drank tasty milk, and caught mice with skill. One day, Mittens decided to go for a walk. On the way to Burglin Park, she met a mean dog. After clawing at its nose, she scrambled up a tree and the dog's furious owner booted it down the road.

Sometimes, Mittens liked a snack. When she was hungry she would paw at the kitchen door and meow softly. Her owners loved her, but were careful not to overfeed her. They cared for her welfare.

Once, Mittens had to go to the vetrinarian. It was cold and dark and she was stabbed with something that injected something into her bloodstream several times. It was actually a vaccine. Being a cat, she didn't know this was good for her, and scratched the vet repeatedly until they left. She kept blinking in the bright sunlight, because the vet's was cold and dark. Sudden warmth and light are NOT good for a cat's physique.

Being a cat, Mittens also didn't know what was happening to the girl in the pink dress, or what Robert or Pokey were saying, or why Pokey slugged Robert. She stalked away, tail in the air, its tip twitching.

Back to Ness and Buzz Buzz, near the end of the path after fending off more pacifist ants.

"HOW IS THE LIFE STORY OF MITTENS THE CAT RELATED TO THIS STORY!" screamed Ness. Buzz Buzz shook his head.

"The author's a nutter, man," he said. The author got so mad he left and accidentally trod on an ant, which led to some mess with the police. Then the author told the police he could erase them, which caused him to get sent to the loony bin. He erased that part of the story.

"Anyway," said Ness, glancing with unease at the above text (not to mention breaking the fourth wall). "We need to get moving..."

They walked through a clump of bushes into a Journey concert, which took place back when Steve Perry could still sing (AKA sometime in the 70's-80's).

"We've gone back in time!" said Buzz Buzz gleefully.

"No, we haven't. It's just an RC Cola machine," said Ness.

"Oh."

The concert was really the flashing lights of an RC Cola machine.

"DAMMIT!" shouted Ness. "Who in their right mind would put an RC Cola machine out here!"

"I know, mate," answered Buzz Buzz, shaking his head. "Bonkers."

As they meant to keep walking, a breeze blew, Ness froze, and then shouted out in surprise before stopping again.

"What?" asked Buzz Buzz.

"Hmm..." said Ness. He thought he had seen something move among the shadows during the sudden breeze. "Oh, no! I think I saw something...A BEAST!"

"A snake-thing!" said Buzz Buzz.

"No...it lifted its head when the wind blew. I saw it."

"How do you know it's a beast?"

"IT MOVED! It has great big wings! And it...it...it moved!"

"We've been over the moving."

"So!"

"Well, think about it. We've been going insane, haven't we? All the killing." Buzz Buzx paused. "Those ants...that was murder!"

"No, it wasn't!" hollered Ness. "Don't you go talking like that! It was an accident! It wasn't...wasn't...what you said."

"Oh, Ness!" yelled Buzz Buzz, hanging his head and pressing his face into his water-sponge.

"It was an accident!" repeated Ness. "They were nuts! They...they asked for it, didn't they?"

"IT WAS MURDER!" bellowed Buzz Buzz, so loudly Ness froze and a nearby owl fell out of its hunting-roost.

"Well...we've been going crazy..." muttered Ness. Then he looked up. "What I mean is...this beast...maybe it's only us." (Lord of the Flies, William Golding, pg. 89, 1950-something.)

"Wow," said Buzz Buzz. "We just managed to cram Lord of the Flies in here." He looked up at the text. "The beast was on the island. But it...wasn't really a beast. The 'wings' Ness described? The parachute from a dead parachutist from WWII. Every time the wind blew, the strings tangled in the branches would tauten and the dead man's head would lift up. Then it would go down when the breeze slackened."

"And what I said earlier, after Buzz Buzz said 'those ants...that was murder!" was Ralph's line, in reference to Simon's death," explained Ness. "When I said it was an accident, et cetera, that is what Piggy said after Ralph implied murder. Then I finished it off with a famous Simon quote about the beast before his untimely death: 'What I mean is...maybe it's only us.' What he meant there was that maybe, just maybe, this great savage beast was...THEM.

"The darkness in the heart of every human alive that is waiting, lurking. That is what Simon meant, but nobody believed or understood him. The darkness lurking in our hearts is a thing to be regarded with greatest fear, because - "

"WAIT A MINUTE!" roared Buzz Buzz. "Get back to the story! We just freaking spoiled Lord of the Flies for everyone!"

"Not the whole plot!" argued Ness.

"Just get on with it, guys," sighed the tired author, edging back into the story. He looked rough after going through the loony bin and confirming his sanity, then dodging through the war-torn Onett (the NBA were refusing to leave or be defeated). Without him, the story had run amok. Now, it got back to plot and (poor) humor.

* * *

Ness and Buzz Buzz walked through the dark, empty streets of Twoson.

"What are we looking for?" wondered Ness.

"I dunno," said Buzz Buzz. "Another sanctuary?"

"There aren't any of them in Twoson," snapped Ness.

"How do you know?"

"I don't," replied Ness frankly.

"Then - "

"Shut up."

They walked further. A car suddenly rushed past them, horn blaring.

"Get out of the road!" the driver screamed. Ness leaped back, Buzz Buzz dangling from his neck.

"Friendly," said Buzz Buzz. Just then, a fat kid arguing with a kid in a mask walked by. They were carrying a sack that was wiggling frantically.

"We really shouldn't be kidnapping her!" protested the masked kid.

"Shut up, Robert!" screamed the fat kid. A white cat named Mittens was following them.

Mittens was a good cat. She loved milk and -

"We've been over this," growled Ness tonelessly.

"Oh yeah, Pokey!" yelled Robert. "Fine! I quit!"

The kid called Robert stormed off, leaving the kid called Pokey to drag the sack down the dirt road alone.

"Pokey?" asked Ness, incredulous.

"Yes, me," snapped Pokey.

"What are you doing?" wondered Ness.

"Kidnapping me!" yelled the sack, wiggling even more frantically.

"Bad Pokey! Don't kidnap people!" reprimanded Ness.

Buzz Buzz buzzed loudly.

"Where's the honey?" cried Pokey frantically. "Bees and honey!" His fat cheeks quivering ominously, he picked up the sack and sprinted off into the darkness.

"Come back!" shouted Ness. Then he looked down at Buzz Buzz. "You eejit. We could have at least found out who he had kidnapping."

Buzz Buzz's mandibles parted in a sheepish grin. "Ehehe..."

They slept in a hotel. At first, the receptionist insisted on charging Buzz Buzz too, but when Ness pointed out that he was just a bee in a container with no need for a bed or any hotel facilities whatsoever she caved.

"I am not a bee," snapped Buzz Buzz.

"Yes, you are," retorted Ness.

"How is that?"

"Well," began Ness. "You look exactly like a bee. You have a stinger. You buzz and fly. And Mrs. Minch mistook you for a dung beetle."

"She mistakes everything for a dung beetle," dismissed Buzz Buzz. "She stomped on her husband once."

"Oh, and he was in a coma for a bit there," reminisced Ness. "And the cat."

"Yeah, she put her heel right through it and it kind of collapsed. Big fat bloody mess of guts and blood, and she made her children clean it up. 'It's your cat!'" Buzz Buzz did a very accurate impression of Lardna Minch.

"You stomped on it, Fatty," said Ness in mock retaliation.

They had a good laugh over the tragic death of the Minch family's cat and the clinical obesity of Lardna Minch. The next morning, they left the hotel to search for more Sanctuaries.

"Where do you think one would be?" wondered Buzz Buzz aloud. Passerby gave Ness a funny look.

"I dunno. There's that cave we passed earlier."

"A cave! That's where we found the first sanctuary!" cried Buzz Buzz. "Let's go back!"

They did so.

"Well, here goes," said Ness, stepping forwards with the D-Pad.

The world faded, he heard his own footsteps, then found himself in a dark cave.

"Hey, we forgot about the D-Pad gag and the whole world-fading thing, remember?" giggled Buzz Buzz.

Ness laughed. He forgot about it as some sort of mushroom on legs came walking up to him.

"What are you?" he asked it, prodding it. The mushroom, in response, spat spores into his face. Buzz Buzz wiggled out of his container, shot forwards, and stung it to death. Then he retreated.

"How did you manage to fight?" asked Ness.

"I may have lost 2 legs, but I can still fly!" came the response. "Also, more evidence I am not a bee: I can sting without dying."

Ness ignored him and continued walking, but moments later he found that pressing the forwards button caused him to go backwards, and vice versa. Left was right and right was left. Also, there was a giant mushroom sprouting out of his head. He figured that had something to do with it.

"I'll just rotate the D-Pad," he said. He did so and walking resumed its normal course, out of the cave. There, in a valley with a badly written sign labelled "Peaceful Rest Valley," he met a girl in a yellow jacket picking mushrooms.

"Ooh!" she said when she saw him. "You've been Mushroomized! Want me to get rid of that thing for you?"

Ness nodded uncertainly. In one swift movement, the girl darted forwards, sprayed the 'shroom with some sort of fungicide, and pulled on it. It slid off easily, like his hat (which now had a large hole in it). "That's what happens when you run into some of those Ramblin' Mushrooms. They do things to ya. Take care!"

And she returned to picking mushrooms.

* * *

They walked onwards. Unfortunately, they ran into a silver statue shaped like a pencil. Ness swore loudly, and they returned to Twoson, looking for answers. They peeked into a pair of houses shaped like an apple and an orange, respectively. The kid in the apple house was fat and did not look smart. The other kid looked like a frikkin' genius, so they walked inside.

"Hello! I am Orange Kid! I presume that you have come to hear my knowledge or partake of my inventions?" announced the boy grandly. Ness nodded uncertainly. "Excellent! I will need $100 for starter funds."

Ness handed over the cash.

"Come back in three days and see the results of your money! You will be rewarded!"

The pair left, but just then the fat kid from the apple house came up to them.

"Don't listen to Orange Kid. He's a fraud," protested the Apple Kid.

"But he looks like a genius," countered Ness.

Apple Kid glared. "He got a .6 on his PSAT. How do you even manage that? POINT SIX!"

Ness paused. "Yeah...I'm in eighth grade."

"He's older than us, but a moron," dismissed Apple Kid. "Now, you were looking for something to get rid of that pencil statue?"

Ness gasped. "Yes! How did you know?"

"I'm a stalker," answered Apple Kid, with no regard to the magnitude of this statement. "Come inside. I'll give you something for it."

Ness followed, Buzz Buzz bouncing along in his container.

"This," said Apple Kid, "is the Pencil Eraser."

He held up a small device, then slipped it into Ness' bag. "Take care in its use, or else you'll erase part of your foot."

Ness nodded uncertainly again.

* * *

Buzz Buzz and Ness reached the pencil statue again, where Ness simply pressed a button on the tiny device and the pencil statue exploded into huge fragments that impaled Ness. The firey explosion shattered Buzz Buzz's container, killing him. The pair died horribly and the entire valley was burnt down. Then Eagleland blew up.

THE END

* * *

Not really. It vanished and they continued on unimpeded for the time.

After wandering around for a bit, they found themselves in a neat little place called Happy Happy Village. Unfortunately, everything was painted blue. There was a large manor house in the middle. Ness did not head inside, fearing ghosts. Instead, he wandered around for a bit, then found a cave that was painted blue on the inside.

"This is a Sanctuary," he breathed. "I can feel it."

Buzz Buzz gasped. "Really! Odd..."

He became pensieve and irritable for a bit after that.

They headed back outside and saw a group of people in blue robes and hoods.

"They look like the K - actually, I'm not sure we can say that," shuddered Ness. "It's...ugh."

"Blue, blue," they chanted.

"This is supposed to be some sort of allegory to that," said Buzz Buzz.

A few minutes later, they were inside of the manor house, fighting through a crowd of the fanatics.

"Blue, blue," some said. "Oops, sorry. I'll move."

"Green, green...oops! Blue. Oh, sorry. I'll move."

"You want me to move, punk!"

The world would spazz out and turn pretty colors afterwards, but a moment later they were back in the manor house after fighting through a Happy Happy Cultist. Finally, they found themselves at a flight of stairs.

"Mr. Carpainter is right upstairs," said the woman at the desk with a cheery smile. Evidently, she thought they were here to join their freaky cult.

"Who?"

The woman was so mad at them not knowing who Carpainter was she removed them from the building. They wandered around a bit more and headed through a snake-filled tunnel.

Ness took a wary step backwards!

Snakes A-D attacked! They collided in midair and knocked themselves out!

YOU WIN!

Ness gained 50 experience points! Ness grew to level 23! Ness realized the power of PSI Rockin' Beta!

The author gained a "My writing is getting worse!" sign!

Afterwards, they found a shack in a crater in the valley they had been in recently. Ness walked inside, only to run into Redneck Two.

"Whatcha doin' in my shack-a-hack!" he yammered, rocking on the chair and swigging moonshine.

"It's not your 'shack-a-hack,' for the last time!" shouted a frustrated voice from the back of the room.

"Huh!"

Ness peered around Redneck two and spotted a girl his age, with a pink bow in her blonde hair. Except she was in a locked jail cell.

"What are you even doing in there?" he asked.

"Some fatty kidnapped me," she replied tonelessly, crossing her arms.

"Oh. I was about to go find this Carpainter guy."

"Carpainter! He can fire lightning, you know that? ...What's your name?"

"Ness."

"Ness..." She paused thoughtfully. "I had a dream that a boy named Ness would come to save me. Here. Take this."

She held out a shiny badge.

"What's this gonna do?" he asked.

"It's called the Franklin Badge. It'll reflect any lightning that comes your way," she replied. He pinned it to the front of his shirt and examined it.

"What'll happen if I don't rescue you?" he asked. "Not that I'm considering bailing on it," he added hastily.

"They'll sacrifice me," she said, a flash of worry appearing in her eyes.

"Oh, hell. We better get moving," said Ness. "Cya."

He left, but just then Pokey, two crows, and a snake approached him.

"So," began Pokey, sneering, "you found her."

"So?" said Ness innocently.

"So I'm going to throw a snake and two crows at you!" Pokey screamed.

Ness glanced around warily!

Thieving Crow A pecked the Coil Snake to death!

Thieving Crow B tried to steal Ness' identity and make massive purchases under a false name!

Ness called for help!

Lawyers A and B joined the battle!

Ness and the Lawyers testified in court against the Thieving Crow!

Thieving Crow B was jailed!

Thieving Crow A chased Pokey away, pecking at his eyes!

Pokey screamed!

Pokey had a heart attack from fear!

SMAAAASH!

Pokey took 1000000000000 damage!

YOU WIN!

Ness gained 1000 experience points!

The author gained a "Controversial" sign!

"WHAT THE HELL!" screamed Ness. "Pokey had a heart attack!"

An ambulance trundled down the mountain nearby and carted Pokey off to the Twoson hospital. The Thieving Crow, meanwhile, pecked avidly at Pokey's wallet. Then it flew off with a credit card, his driver's license and $104, cash.

"My only question is where that ambulance came from," said Buzz Buzz.

"They run a bit wild around here. You gotta be wary. But if you're having a medical emergency, they're great about it - get you to the hospital in a minute or less."

A few minutes later, Ness, Buzz Buzz, and the Lawyers ascended the stairs. After the Lawyers did yet another excellent job getting many of the cultists arrested on assault, it was just Ness and Buzz Buzz (the Lawyers were still in court). The woman glared.

"Do you know who Carpainter is now?" she asked.

"Yes," replied Ness. "All hail Carpainter!"

The woman's face burst into a wide grin and Ness went up the stairs.

"Carpainter!" shouted Ness into the dark room. "I've come."

A light flicked on.

A man with wild blue hair was playing the organ - one of Chopin's more excellent pieces, Revolutionary Etude, but it didn't sound right on the organ for some reason.

"So, Ness!"

He turned around, a statue glittering evilly behind him.

Ness flashed back to a scene one day in Liar X Agerate's freaky mine he had dug himself.

A statue he had unearthed from the ground, glittering evilly...

"Mani Mani!" gasped Ness.

"That's ri-ight," grinned Carpainter evilly. Buzz Buzz tensed.

"PK THUNDER!"

"PK ROCKIN'!"

"PSI SHIELD!"

Buzz Buzz's shield blocked a lot of damage from the resulting explosion. The lightning glanced off the Franklin Badge and completely fried Carpainter as the latest version of PK Rockin' raged around him. When it was over, a glittering tip of a golden horn lay on the ground. The room was white, and cheery sunlight streamed in through the smashed windows (which had been painted over).

"Oh, God," said Carpainter from the floor. "Oh...ooohhhh...I realize the error of my ways now...Ness...I'm a horrible person."

Mani Mani glittered evilly. Again. And a horrifying thought flashed through Ness' mind: It knows I'm here. It can see me.

Meanwhile, an ambulance had just leapt off a ramped mesa on the mountain and slammed through the roof. It picked up Carpainter and drove off to the Twoson hospital. A shining key lay on the ground. Ness bent to pick it up, and when he looked up, Mani Mani was gone.

* * *

He opened the cell door with the key as Redneck Two snoozed aimlessly.

"So what did Pokey do to you otherwise?" he asked the girl, who, as any reader would know, was Paula.

"Eh. He forced me to make out with him a bit. I pretended he was my boyfriend."

Ness faltered a bit. Just then, the TV in the corner of the room blared on. Redneck Two snapped awake, watching avidly.

"...and a boy was killed by this homicidal maniac. Nobody knows where he could have gotten to, but witnesses say he was just a fat boy."

Paula frowned. "He was a git anyway." The two laughed, then looked at each other. Then they started kissing. Redneck Two didn't even notice. Just then, there was a polite knock on the door, which Buzz Buzz was glad for. The two broke apart and Ness answered the door.

Lawyers A and B were grinning. "Just so you know, we got an outstanding cash settlement from those cultists. Here's your portion."

They doled out 33% of the cash to Ness, but it was still a load of cash.

"Great! This could pay for my father to come home from wherever he went five years ago!" exclaimed Ness.

The Lawyers grinned at each other and at Ness.

* * *

Later, Ness and Paula (and the Lawyers) were wandering through the cave that Paula said was called "Tiny Steps" or something. Nobody actually cared, so the author dropped the subject as he walked alongside them. That made them a party of six, counting Buzz Buzz and the author (who, in his story, was pretty much a god capable of tons of things.

Unfortunately, he did not help them at all, except by writing the story so that the characters could keep on going.

After Ness and Paula battled through moles and bears (Ness tested Paula's PSI to great effect against most foes) and the Lawyers litigated some enemies to death, Paula was sufficiently strong enough to fight normally and the Lawyers had so much cash stuffed in their briefcases they could probably whack a foe with the briefcase and kill it with the sheer weight and force.

They ran into another silver light at the end of the cave, which morphed into a giant silver mole.

"How is any of this related?" asked Ness. "The next one is prolly gonna be a giant pile of fertilizer with tin cans and stuff in it." (Interesting fact: It was.)

The silver mole looked at them.

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing attacked!

Lawyer A whacked the Giant Silvery Mole Thing with his briefcase!

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing smarted!

Ness jabbed it in the eye with his bat!

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing cried out! The Giant Silvery Mole Thing lunged for the author!

The author got mad!

The author used !

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing was beaten into a pulp!

Lawyer B litigated the Giant Silvery Mole Thing!

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing took $400 debt!

Lawyer A repeated the action!

The judge repealed the second litigation!

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing recovered by $400!

Lawyer A used Judicial Review!

The judge was demoted!

A Happy Happy Cultist entered the court! The Lawyers got to work!

Meanwhile!

Paula tried PK Freeze Alpha!

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing was frozen stiff!

Ness tried PK Rockin' Beta!

The word Beta anagrammed to Beat!

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing was ganged up on and beaten by some stray pigeons!

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing ate a pigeon! The pigeon grabbed a sword and slashed the Giant Silvery Mole Thing open from the inside!

Lawyers A and B settled the case outside of court for an undisclosed amount of cash!

An Ambulance joined the battle!

It tried to cart the Giant Silvery Mole Thing off!

Ness tried PK Rockin' Beta!

The Ambulance exploded!

The author took 10 damage! The author sustained a mild burn! The author swore loudly!

Paula called for help!

Hugh Heffner appeared!

The author erased him!

Paula called for actual help!

Rutherford B. Hayes was called from the past!

Rutherford B. Hayes passed an Executive Order!

The U.S. Army was called from the past! The Army killed the Giant Silvery Mole Thing!

YOU WIN!1

Ness and Paula gained 1000 exp. each!

Ness gained an "Aim for the eyes!' sign!

Paula gained an "Unwanted Help!" sign!

Hugh Heffner vanished mysteriously!

The Ambulance's remains were marked with "I'm a git"!

The Lawyers gained world renown!

Rutherford B. Hayes and the U.S. Army were sent back to Dimension D and the past!

The Giant Silvery Mole Thing's bullet-torn remains were labeled with "Stupid"!

Buzz Buzz gained a "I literally did nothing!" sign!

The author gained a "I finally broke the limits of insanity!" sign!

The six of them and the ghost of the ambulance wandered into the Sanctuary, but all but Ness were booted out.

He had a fleeting vision of himself as a baby, with a bulging diaper. His parents were not happy.

It ended, and the Sound Stone glowed brightly. Then he turned and exited the cavern.

* * *

I facepalmed soo many times while I reread this.

Since 10/16, which is when I actually wrote this, is my birthday, I wrote whatever I wanted to write.

TRIVIA

- Rutherford B. Hayes was a president of the United States that nobody ever thinks of.

- The Lawyers don't actually have names.

- Babies have sooo much fat. Fatty fat McFat.

- This story, by the way, has only a few chapters. But 47 pages. This chapter alone is 15 pages.

- I was born with an intense hatred of intense hatred.

Right. I'm bored. So I'm going to drop the author's notes thing and just break off the chapter abruptly.

Like the Sopranos. (I think the guy in the Members Only jacket killed Tony.) The Sopranos broke off mid-scene in a flash of black.

So I'm gonna do that now.

Until next ti


	6. Threed

Chapter...uh...was it Chapter 5?

Threed

I think it is. Well, prepare for some vague plot, then Jeff's adventures (next chapter).

Personally, I think this is the most politically incorrect chapter. Beating up bouncers, knocking over convalescents, mention of the Mafia, and Paula somehow having pockets...all within the first 1-3 pages.

* * *

Ness breathed in the fresh air of Twoson. The Lawyers were off doing lawyer stuff. He, Paula, and Buzz Buzz were now pondering where to go next.

"The Happy Happy dudes removed the blue from their town," he said, "including that cow."

Paula nodded in agreement. "And the ghosts in the tunnel from Twoson to Threed keep ganging up on us, so we can't exactly go to Threed."

"Ooh!" said Buzz Buzz. "I just thought of a convenient plot advancement technique!"

"What?" asked Ness and Paula simultaneously, cliche-ing.

"Let's go to the Topolla Theater!" he cried triumphantly.

"Okay!" said Ness in a stereotypical impression of the eager-boy main character style of 1970-80's films.

They managed to get into the Topolla Theater after buying the last two tickets at the mall. The bouncer had insisted on throwing Buzz Buzz out for no ticket, and even after Ness explained that it was a simple bug (to Buzz Buzz's offence) he advanced menacingly.

Three minutes later, the bouncer lay crumpled in a painful heap on the floor and pleading for mercy.

"How did you do that without any weapons?" asked Paula.

"Because, for some reason, levelling up makes me physically stronger too?" suggested Ness.

A few minutes later, there was a massive hole in the wall where an ambulance had crashed through and the bouncer was gone. Fortunately, he had no memory of the incident and did not return to revenge himself. And since it was legally allowed (self-defence) there was no repercussion.

OR YOU JUST WANTED TO MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR THE STORY.

Shut up, you great prat.

(He's the guide voice, see, and he likes to argue.)

They watched the band, the Runaway Five, on stage for a bit. Then they ran into a girl who seemed a bit crazy for the band.

"Hey!" said the girl. "Can you get me into the dressing rooms! Say I'm your sister!"

Paula scowled, but Ness pickpocketed a guy with a backstage pass and they got into the dressing rooms. (Room.)

The Runaway Five seemed okay with this, as they had backstage passes. They even told Ness about their predicament.

"We need $10,000 or else we're never getting out of here," explained one. Ness had about $1,057,341 after the Lawyers had given him his portion of the money, and he was prepared to pay up, but the debug output box was telling him that he didn't have a certain item. He paused, then gasped.

"Everdred!" he cried, and bolted through the hole the ambulance had made. Paula hurried after him.

He ran to Burglin Park, bought a sign for some reason, then ran into Everdred's house. He was watching TV. Displayed on the screen was a fat guy bumping another fat guy out of a ring. They looked Japanese. (Interesting fact: It was Sumo wrestling.)

"C'mon, Nagyasha! C'mon!" he chanted. Then he realized Ness was looking at him. "Huh? Whaddya want?"

"I want ten thousand dollars. The cash you promised me for rescuing Paula," he said.

Paula conveniently walked in at that moment.

Everdred wordlessly handed him ten thousand dollars, all wadded up. Then he spoke. "Good man. Now, this will appear as an item in your inventory. Check the debug box later."

Ness nodded. Then he left the house with Paula. They went all the way back to the Topolla Theater, knocking over a convalescent recovering from that curable type of hepatitis.

"Talk about politically incorrect," grumbled Paula.

They handed the Runaway Five the item by pressing X, then Check/Talk from the menu.

YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME AND THE BUTTONS, HAVE YOU?

"Nobody cares," growled Ness to the guide voice. The Runaway Five charged into the manager's room and smacked her in the face with the $10000 until she cried, then threw it down and left. Their work done, the trio left the theater only to walk into a black van blasting cheery music.

"Where will you go!" shouted Ness through a window. Eyepatchy Missingtooth looked at him.

HOLD UP. THAT'S NOT A MEMBER OF THE RUNAWAY FIVE.

Fine. Lucky looked at him.

THAT WAS DUSTER'S NAME WHEN HE LOST HIS MEMORY AND ENDED UP AS THE BASSIST AT CLUB TITIBOO.

Yeah? It was also one of the Runaway Five. Deal with it. Don't argue with the writer, eejit.

"Whaddya want, kid!" he shouted. "What did you say?"

"I said, WHERE ARE YOU GOING!"

"Fourside! Fancy theater deal over there!"

"CAN WE COME!" bellowed Paula.

"I DON'T KNOW! ASK THE BOSS!"

"You guys remind me of the Mafia."

"Are we even allowed to bring this stuff up?" asked Ness.

"The fic's rated T. People reading it are old enough to handle it. It's not like we're spoon-feeding the Mafia to little kids. 'Hey, look! We're rated K! Come get the Mafia!'" said Paula.

The boss, whose name they didn't know, nodded wordlessly, and they boarded the tour bus. It took off, blaring music and hitting the dog with the full bladder (which survived its second car strike of the week).

Finally, after driving for a moment, they hit the tunnel. And I don't mean they reached it. They slammed into the side of it, causing the engine to explode.

"Brilliant," muttered Ness. "Now what?"

"Well, we need cheery music, don't we?" said Paula, sounding more innocent than either of them had been since the start of the chapter. "So..."

She pulled a screwdriver out of the one pocket she had and took the radio out. Then she jerry-rigged a battery holder with 4 9V batteries to power it.

"How did you do that?" asked Ness.

"I dunno," she said, frowning. They carried the happily crooning radio through the tunnel, scaring the ghosts away.

"RUN! Happiness!" screamed one.

Some stopped to listen, bobbing their heads and muttering amusedly.

"Oh, this is a nice tune."

The tunnel opened into a dreary patch of grass and road, then into a second tunnel.

"Ohh, gross!" shouted Paula as they entered Threed. It was enshrouded in darkness, and as they stood there wondering what to do, it started to rain. A fat, crawling puppet came up to them.

"Spare a buck?" it asked.

"Uh...sure," said Ness. He held out a few dollars, but it became mad.

"NO! THAT'S NOT A BUCK! I WANTED A MALE DEER!"

The Puppet attacked!

Ness got mad at the specificity of the puppet! Ness tried RAAGE!

The Puppet was unaffected! The Puppet attacked!

Ness took 13 damage!

Paula yelled at the puppeteer crouching behind the puppet!

The puppeteer surrendered!

YOU WIN!

Ness and Paula gained 30 experience!

Paula realized the power of finding the puppeteer behind strangely irrational or exceedingly stupid people!

Ness realized that the government is controlled by corporations!

The writer gained an "Occupy Wall Street!" sign! The writer went into an alternate dimension to do so!

"Wow, we're getting political," said Buzz Buzz.

"Talk about it," said Paula.

"Stupid Santomon Foods," grumbled Ness. *

Suddenly, a zombie walked up to them.

"Spare a buck?" it asked.

"Define 'buck'," said Ness.

"A dollar."

"Here," said Ness. He gave it a dollar, then $100 more. "And some for your troubles."

The zombie's face split into a rotting grin. "Thanks!" It turned away to leave, then turned back. "Also, lemme give you a warning. Not every zombie is gonna be asking for cash. Many will go for the brain and won't accept cash to buy themselves brains from medical schools. A few, like myself, know how to do that.

"We're smart, see, and nice, and we know that there are always jobs open to put some extra cash in our pockets. Being zombies, all we really need are brains. No home or anything, we can't feel heat or cold or snow.

"And then you get the scammers." The zombie frowned. "They will ask for a dollar, then grab you and try to eat your brains. They're smart like us...but evil."

"Why don't you just come with us?" suggested Ness. "Then you can point stuff out to us."

The zombie shrugged. "Okay, then."

Buzz Buzz laughed. "We're straying pretty far from the old plot."

"No we're not," argued Ness. "It adds humor. How many other fics have lawyers that litigate their enemies to death? Or zombies named Fred?"

Fred the Zombie frowned. "Dude. You weren't supposed to say my name yet. I was supposed to say it."

"Sorry. I improvised a line there, went a bit far."

"'S fine."

* * *

The four meandered through the town (or, rather, Ness and Paula walked as Buzz Buzz bounced around a bit in his tiny container and Fred staggered for lack of coordination), Ness punching a few gangsters out of the way. At the hotel they were joined by the Lawyers, who announced that they had successfully sued every single cultist for hate crimes against the rest of the rainbow. Ness told them to keep the cash. The Lawyers had become more than just hired fighters for the law - they were friends. And Paula was more than a friend to him too - she was a superfriend.

"Talk about misleading comments."

"Shut up, Buzz Buzz."

"Can she fly and shoot laser beams out of her eyes?"

"It was a joke."

They eventually found their way to a circus tent in the center of the town, where they found the mayor and a small group of citizens standing, afraid of the outside world. Later on they stumbled upon a smaller tent surrounded by brightly decorated wooden boxes with metal bars for fronts. Ness peeked inside one and a rotted hand shot out from between the bars and punched him in the face.

"If they want to be let out, they should at least be friendly inside the cages...even if they're gonna eat brains the moment they leave..." he muttered savagely.

Fred sighed the best his slightly decomposed lungs could manage. "I know, mate. It's all mad."

Paula suddenly shrieked loudly.

"The tent! Look at the tent!"

A rather evil face had appeared on the front, and it began taunting them.

"Scared of a cage? What, cat got your nose?" it added, seeing Ness' slight predicament having to do with being punched in the face moments before. (He was bleeding profusely from the nose.)

"Shad up," he retorted thickly.

"Shad? Up? I'm afraid your pet shad is being disobedient, then, for I don't see it standing on two legs. Or maybe it suffocated! HA!"

"What's a shad?" wondered Fred.

"Some sort of fish," said Paula.

The tent, meanwhile, was still taunting Ness, who had had enough. He put one foot in front of the other and the next second was marching right towards the tent.

"Hey! Ness! Wait!" cried Paula, rushing towards him, but he vanished in the tent flap.

"AAAAGH!" screamed the tent. "Getitout getitout getitout GETITOUT!"

It started shaking frantically, unnerved by Ness' presence inside of it. Then a bulge appeared on the tent's side.

"Ooohh...I feel queasy," said the tent, looking at the bulge in its own side.

"This is like that movie," said Paula, "in that one scene where the chick lifts the front of her shirt up and there's some freaky demon thing inside her and it's all bulgy."

Just then, the tent collapsed. Ness stepped out of it, covered in what looked like organs.

"Where did those come from?" asked Fred.

"What?" said Ness. "Huh. Weird. I guess they must have defied science and spontaneously generated." He tossed them at Fred. "Hungry?"

While Fred feasted on gross slimy organs, Ness explained his heroine to Paula.

"Wait a minute...what?" she said, glancing at the above text in utter confusion. "His heroine?"

Ness grabbed a Sharpie and changed the word to heroism.

While Fred feasted on gross slimy organs, Ness explained his heroism to Paula.

"I walked inside the tent. It got upset, and started doing stuff and wiggling around. Then it collapsed, and here I am."

"That's dumb," stated Paula.

"Yeah? Well, that's life," argued Ness. "Oh, and I found some honey." He showed her the jar.

Just then, they were approached by several fat zombies and what looked like what Ness termed a "headcrab." Whatever that was. It had four legs ending in points and looked rather slimy.

Zombies A-D lurched forward!

Zombie A turned on Zombie B and ate Zombie B's brain!

The Headcrab got mad!

The author protested that Headcrabs weren't in Earthbound! The site ignored him!

The Headcrab launched itself at Ness!

Ness swung his bat at it!

HOME RUN!

The Headcrab took 100000 damage! The Headcrab flew out of the ballpark!

GRAND SLAM!

Ness ran the bases!

The team scored 4 runs!

Zombies A, C, and D advanced!

Paula tried PK Fire Beta!

Zombies C and D were incinerated! Zombie A ducked!

Fred punched Zombie A in the face!

Zombie A was stunned momentarily!

Fred kneed Zombie A in the groin, uppercutted the zombie as he doubled over, then drove his elbow into Zombie A's chest!

Zombie A lay bleeding on the ground!

Ness whipped out an AK-47!

"Hasta la vista, baby."

Ness opened fire!

YOU WIN!

The crowd cheered!

Ness and Paula gained 400 exp. each!

Paula grew to Level 25!

Ness recieved an MVP nomination!

Paula recieved a "Pyromaniac" sign!

Buzz Buzz recieved a "Where are my lines?" sign!

Fred recieved a "Street fighter" sign!

The author got mad!

"What are we gonna do with all these signs?" asked Paula, stuffing the "Pyromaniac" sign into her bag along with "Unwanted Help" from the time she had accidentally summoned Hugh Heffner.

Ness felt a hand clap him on the shoulder. "Nice hit, kid."

He turned around. "Sammy Sosa? What are you doing here?"

Sosa frowned. "I was in Onett, but the NBA are still there. Oh, well. I'd better be going. See you. You ought to consider a career in baseball someday," he added. Then he turned and walked into a Coldplay tour bus, bouncing off of it. Will Champion poked his head out of a window, frowned, then opened the doors. Sosa climbed into the bus and it drove off.

"Sammy Sosa is on tour with Coldplay?" asked Paula.

"It looks like it," said Fred.

"It's like that fic from years ago where the guy had that professional hockey player in his fic," commented the author. (A/N: Whoever's fic that was inspired this. Just saying.)

* * *

It was Buzz Buzz's fault for pointing her out to begin with.

They were stuck in a pit with zombies swarming overhead and outside of the (locked) pit doors.

And here's how it happened:

"Hey, look," said Buzz Buzz.

A woman in a bikini was standing still, looking right at them.

"What the hell?" said Paula.

"Is that legal?" wondered Fred.

"We should follow her," drooled Ness, his eyes displaying hypnotic swirls.

"Ness!" snapped Paula.

Too late. Ness walked off down the street, and by the laws of the Caterpillar mechanism Paula and Fred followed him. The author hovered unaffected around them, trying to discourage them, but to no avail.

The lady walked into the hotel. Ness followed her, right into an empty hotel room (ignoring the suspiciously unconscious receptionist).

"THIS DOES NOT LOOK GOOD," said Paula loudly in Caps Lock.

The lady's stomach had swollen greatly.

The swirls faded from Ness' eyes.

"What the - "

The lady cackled. "As I thought! If I hypnotized you, the Caterpillar script would make your friends follow too!" Her eyes glimmered evilly. "And now...an end to you!"

She barfed up a zombie dog.

Ness' eyes bulged (like so: O_O). "How did you physically do that! And why!"

"I can't make them appear out of dark portals like Giygas can," she apologized, before barfing up another zombie dog. "So I had to swallow them whole and wait for a bit. Best part is, they don't need oxygen or anything."

Ness smashed the zombie dogs' skulls in with his bat. A human zombie was barfed up next. Fred pulled some street-fighting moves and its head was lying on the floor 10 feet away. Paula incinerated the next one and they took it in turns to battle them.

Finally, no zombies remained, inside or outside of anyone in the room.

"Fine," snapped the woman. She clicked her fingers and eighteen zombies burst through the walls.

"Oh yeah!" one of them yelled, sloshing a glass of red flavored water around. The rest shuffled in and pulled the group out of the room into the cemetery, where they were tossed into an underground pit.

And now they were stuck there.

Fred scowled. "How're we going to get out?"

Paula began to cry. "We might never!"

"It's 'may never,'" corrected Ness, "and we will."

He sat down. "I just need a nap first."

And he fell asleep.

Paula got down on her knees, ignoring creepy implications, and sat there for about 5 whole minutes with her eyes closed before straightening up. Just then, Ness woke up.

"I've got it!" he cried triumphantly, pulling a series of complicated plans (some involving C-4) from his pockets and waving them around. "First - we - "

"Ness, just wait about 18 hours," snapped Paula. "I sent for help."

"Okay then!" said Ness brightly. He went right back to sleep, miraculously avoiding a puddle of what looked like urine on the floor next to him as he slumped over.

And meanwhile, in a snowbound country to the far north...

* * *

This and Chapter Six were originally one chapter, but I realized they were far too long to be one chapter.

'Nuff said.


	7. The Adventures of Jeff

Definitely Chapter 6

The Adventures of Jeff

Lawl.

* * *

"Jeff! Wake up!" cried a high-pitched, excited voice.

"Tony!" yelled the boy called Jeff. He was blonde, with glasses. The boy called Tony had red hair and what looked like a bowler hat. Both wore a drab greenish-grey school uniform, but at the moment, they were on some sort of holiday or something. "What the hell!"

"IT'S FUNDAY!" yelled Tony excitably.

"Great," said Jeff dully. "I'm gonna go work on that new Santabot. Tony, please don't blow yourself up or something. Okay?"

Tony nodded feverishly before running out of the door, into the hallway, and downstairs as fast as possible. Jeff strode down the same stairs, and was halfway across one of the school's living rooms before he remembered a dream he had had.

"Jeff! You are a friend we have never met. My name is Paula, and with me are Ness, Buzz Buzz, and Fred the street-fighting zombie. Get out of that lame Snow Wood boarding place and come to Threed. I don't give a hoot how, hijack a fighter jet (if you're gonna do that, hijack an F-4 Phantom) or steal an aircraft carrier or take the subway or rip someone off and take their yacht or something. Just do it. End message."

He knew he had to follow his dream for some reason. He didn't know, maybe he was nuts. Or maybe

Later that night, after being shot no fewer than 47 times in the foot (the malfuntioning Santabot and its newly installed facial machine gun were responsible for this incident) and bandaged up, bleeding profusely, Jeff planned his escape. It was a complex process, involving many steps, and though they watched "The Poseidon Adventure" twice, they came up with no solutions. He even thought about using his Bad Key Machine to escape somehow. Just then, Jeff had a brilliant - and dangerously complicated - idea, one so brilliant even the most brilliant scientists in the world would not have thought of it.

"Tony, let me climb on your shoulders and climb up over the gate," explained Jeff.

Tony nodded.

They headed to the gates and carried out the plan, and when Jeff was outside he realized he only had $1.

"Shoot!" he yelled in frustration. "I'm such an idiot!"

"Here, take my Visa card," said Tony quickly, taking out his wallet.

"No, I'm a MasterCard user, they'll suspect something - "

"Take it - "

"I use MasterCard!"

"It doesn't matter!"

"Just - "

"It doesn't - "

"Go up in our room and grab my MasterCard!"

Tony sighed, then ran back inside for about 17 minutes. When he came back out, Jeff's nose had a small icicle on the end of it.

"What did you do!"

"I went through your underwear drawers," said Tony calmly. He slid the MasterCard through the gates and Jeff took it.

"Bye. See you in another life or something."

"Bye."

Jeff walked into a conveniently placed convenience store, right outside of the school. He tried using his MasterCard to buy himself a good weapon but found that he owed some money, and it was inactive until then. He swore, bought a $1 pack of gum (Bubbles make you FLYYY!) and left.

"Maybe the bubbles really do make you fly," he said absently as a goat charged past him into a tree. "Missed me!"

The goat was mad.

The Goat attacked!

Jeff fired the Zip Gun at it!

The bullet bounced off of the Goat!

The Goat snorted and charged into a second tree!

The Goat took 12 damage!

The Treant came to life!

The Treant swung a heavy arm!

SMAAAAASH!

It crushed the Goat in a mass of bones and blood!

YOU WIN!

Jeff gained 22 exp. points!

Jeff grew to Level 2!

Jeff realized the power of realizing that he couldn't use PSI!

"That was odd," said Jeff. The Treant carried him over some ledges until it got attacked by a Termite.

The Termite tried to eat the Treant!

The Treant panicked!

Jeff shot the Termite!

The Termite swelled and became the Massive Termite!

The Massive Termite licked the snow for some water!

The snow was yellow!

The Massive Termite barfed up some wood!

Jeff shot it in the eyes!

The Treant stepped on the Massive Termite!

*gross bug guts expunged*

YOU WIN!

Jeff gained 146 exp. points!

Jeff grew to Level 3! Jeff grew to Level 4!

Jeff gained a "Attempted Exterminator" sign!

The Treant gained a "I'm a plot device" sign!

* * *

Jeff continued in this vein for some time until he ran into a lake and loads of "Tessie-watchers." And a monkey. He gave some gum to the monkey, which instantly became his friend. The Tessie-watchers let him stay in their tents for the night, and the next morning, he found a chill breeze wafting past the tent he had slept in (though his MasterCard appeared to be missing).

"Chilly Sunday," he yawned, stretching, when just then the Bubble Monkey appeared from nowhere.

("Hey,") it said, without moving its lips.

Jeff's eyes bugged out. "Aah! What the hell!"

("I'm using telepathy, you eejit,") snapped the monkey. From the sound of it, he was male.

"Oh. Like I'll believe that."

"Hey, kid! Who you talkin' to!" shouted a Tessie-watcher.

"This monkey!" he yelled back.

"There ain't no monkeys in Win...oh, wait, there's a monkey. Go on, then."

("Eejits,") said the monkey.

"Uh, right," said Jeff, glancing around nervously.

("C'mon. I'll get Tessie for you. You can get a ride on her back to where you need to go.")

"Really? Thanks!"

The monkey asked for a piece of gum, got some, then blew a giant bubble and floated out over the lake.

"Helium breath?" wondered Jeff, his breath coming in puffs of frigid winter air.

Almost immediately, a whirlpool appeared under the monkey, followed by a fat-bodied, long-necked, four-flippered something...or someone.

"Hello, Tessie," said Jeff calmly, as if he had been doing it every day of his life.

("Herro,") replied Tessie in perfect Engrish. ("Where are we go today?")

"I dunno, just take me across this dumb lake full of ice fish."

As he said this, an ice fish popped its head out of the lake. "Ey! You got a probbum with my house and my homies?"

More popped out, jeering. "Yeaah, brutha!" "You tell that nerd!" "Awright!" "FRIED!" "Oooh, whatcha gonna do now, whine with your glasses?" "Four-eyes!"

Jeff, in response, fired almost lazily at the closest few fish with the Zip Gun, which turned out to be a good idea. As he had been speaking, a very large ice fish, the chief of the lake (besides Tessie) had been swimming up to attack Jeff, and as it was struck by several missed bullets its primitive, beer-laden brain dreamed up the wild idea that Jeff was somehow magical. (Interesting fact: he wasn't.) The head ice fish swam quickly away, streaming nasty antifreeze-filled blood behind it. The other fish shrieked (it came out sounding like nails on a chalkboard) and followed.

He climbed onto Tessie and they were off, Bubble Monkey at his side.

"So, what's going on?" he asked Bubble Monkey and Tessie.

("I bit a velociraptor.")

("I saw him do it.")

"You bit a Velociraptor?" said Jeff, incredulous. "Oh, right, I just noticed. Look at your text up there, right above Tessie's."

Bubble Monkey checked the dialogue box. ("What about it?")

"You said Velociraptor with a lower-case 'v'. That's a class-3 grammar offence: saying species names with lower-case letters."

Bubble Monkey swore. ("What's the penalty?")

Jeff's face lit up. "You get to watch three hours of grammar-themed 'Leopardy?' episodes."

Bubble Monkey screamed. ("NO! NOT A LAME PARODY OF 'JEOPARDY!' RENAMED BECAUSE OF SOPA/PIPA!") *

"YES!"

I'll skip ahead. They sat on Tessie's back while she idly scooped fish from the lake and they watched 3 hours of grammar-themed Leopardy? episodes, renamed from Jeopardy! because of SOPA/PIPA working its way through U.S. Congress, although why it affected them in another dimension nobody knew.

When the last strains of music died away, Bubble Monkey's eyes were wide open.

("I will say Velociraptor from now on.")

"Good man...monkey...horse...no, monkey. Now, come on. We've got some exploring to do." For they had landed near a cave.

* * *

As it turns out, it was more a maze than a cave. He found he could not step over the 1-foot sandbag walls, and kicking the sandbags over did not work.

"Who programs this garbage!" he bellowed, hopping on one foot and holding his now-injured toe. Just then, he was approached by a walking gift box. "Oh. Hey."

He bent to pick it up, but it morphed into a protoplasm.

The Giant Protoplasm attacked!

Jeff shot the Zip Gun at it!

The bullet was eaten by the Giant Protoplasm!

The Giant Protoplasm tried to jump!

It didn't have legs!

Jeff kicked it!

The Giant Protoplasm ate his foot!

Jeff grabbed a torch off of the wall and sprayed a can of hairspray through it!

The Giant Protoplasm became flaming!

The Giant Protoplasm put on hot pink pants!

Jeff's eyes bugged out!

Two Lawyers joined the battle!

Lawyer A sued the Giant Protoplasm for wearing hot pink pants on a Sunday!

YOU WIN!

Lawyers A and B got a "Familiar Aid" sign!

The Giant Protoplasm was arrested!

Jeff gained 23 exp!

"Huh."

Things continued in this vein for some time, during which Jeff found a Tazer, which the dialogue boxes he opened to equip it referred to as the "Stun Gun". Bubble Monkey also strangely vanished.

"Awesome!" he cried, waving it around. Just then, a crazed duck waddled up to him.

"Quack," it said in a deep, booming voice. "Quack want quacker."

Jeff took a careful step backwards. The duck followed. "Quack want quacker!"

This so disturbed Jeff that he plunged the prongs of Tazer deep into the duck's flesh and hit the button, causing electricity to surge through the duck. He hoped it didn't want a quacker any more after this, but as he withdrew, its dazed and confused body rose from the dusty floor and boomed in an even deeper voice, "Quacker! Quacker! QUACKER! ...Boy attack Quack? Quack kill!"

"Son of a - " started Jeff, but he had to start running just then, as it charged at him. It pecked him furiously round the ankles before he aimed the Tazer over his shoulder and fired one of the stun darts at it. The dart embedded itself in the duck's eyeball.

"QUAAAAAAACKKKK - "

"OBJECTION!" shouted Lawyer A, pointing at the duck. The duck, however, was too preoccupied with being electrocuted to notice what was going on. So the judge ruled the defendant criminally insane and took the still-convulsing duck to an asylum. Jeff picked up the dart.

"Why is it games like Earthbound never actually show what happens to foes when you do stuff like PK Fire and use weapons like swords and Tazers and stuff on them?" wondered Jeff, examining the Tazer. What was important is that he had miraculously found the maze exit. Just then, Bubble Monkey showed up.

("Heya,") said the primate, snapping his gum.

"Where were you!" shrieked Jeff, waving his arms. "A duck just tried to disembowel me!"

Lawyer A, in a lawsuit frenzy, thought about suing Jeff for slander, but changed his mind because nobody wanted to sue Jeff for anything because his voice bothered them.

("So?") asked Bubble Monkey casually.

"So a duck just tried to disembowel me!"

The four of them (Jeff, Bubble Monkey, and Lawyers A and B) soon found themselves at a cave entrance. Jeff walked into the void-cave-entrance, heard footsteps, and them found himself in a cave much larger than the entrance he had just come in through made the cave seem. A Rowdy Mouse walked up to him.

The Rowdy Mouse called for help!

Rowdy Mice 4-B joined the battle!

Jeff realized the Rowdy Mice were illiterate and didn't know the alphabet!

He told Rowdy Mouse A that 4 was not a letter!

Rowdy Mouse A bit Jeff's hand!

SMAAAAAAASHH!

Jeff took 36 damage! Jeff fainted!

Bubble Monkey took Jeff's Tazer and wiped out Rowdy Mice...well, he didn't know, because the mice named themselves from colours and numbers and stuff!

Rowdy Mouse Green and Rowdy Mouse 45 attacked!

The New England Patriots joined the battle!

Rowdy Mice Green and 45 attacked them instead!

A Rainbow Antoid joined the battle!

Someone threw a shuriken at it! It dodged, then shrieked and fled!

Lawyer A called for help!

An Ambulance joined the battle!

The Ambulance tried Rescue! It worked! Jeff went to a nearby haunted, abandoned hospital for treatment!

The ghosts were courteous! Jeff fully recovered all HP!

Jeff joined the battle!

Rowdy Mouse Ñ attacked!

Lawyer B took 10 damage!

Lawyer B sued for assault!

Rowdy Mouse ╝ attacked!

Someone shot it! It died!

The author tried to get on with the stupid plot already! It worked!

The New England Patriots forfeited the battle!

A pig tried to join the battle! It didn't work! The author put up a firewall!

The Rowdy Mice imploded! Someone threw a shuriken at them! A small black hole formed!

Lawyers A and B litigated the Black Hole!

LITIGATIOOOOOOON!

The Black Hole took $ debt! It complained there wasn't that much money in the world!

The amount was reduced to $100000000!

The Black Hole shriveled up, spewed 100 million dollars, and died!

YOU WIN!1

Jeff gained a "Ghost Healthcare" treatment!

The Lawyers gained even MORE cash!

The Rowdy Mice escaped to Venus!

The pig died!

The author removed the firewall!

Around 3 hours later, time during which Jeff endured screaming ropes like those of Giant Step and a "Your Sanctuary" spot nobody could use but Ness (whoever that was), Jeff found himself Tazing Cave Boys who dropped Picnic Lunches and weren't very accurate with their clubs. After the last one fell (Jeff grew to Level 25! The Cave Boy dropped a present! Inside, there was a Picnic Lunch! Jeff took the picnic lunch.) he walked past Stonehenge and found himself at a funky metal building.

Just then, a female monkey wearing a bow ran by.

("Ooh...") said Bubble Monkey, staring. ("You know what? I'm going to ask her out. Bye.')

And without further ado, he left Jeff and the Lawyers standing in the cold snow.

"Hey! Look!" yelled Lawyer B, pointing at a sign.

"Hmm...'Andonuts Laboratory'," read Lawyer A aloud.

"Adam! Kid!" said Lawyer B. "Maybe this guy has something we can use to get to...uh..."

"Wherever this guy's going!" interjected Lawyer A, whose name, as you can assume, was Adam but who will still be called Lawyer A.

"Yeah!" cried Jeff excitably, running through the doors (they left shards of glass everywhere as he did so). Lawyers A and B opened the doors instead of running through them, then walked inside of the building.

"Hey, want a donut?" asked the man inside.

"No," said Jeff.

The man paused. "Me neither. I'm Dr. Andonuts. Who're you?"

"Andonuts...?" wondered Jeff. "Oh, you're my father who abandoned me when I was what, one?"

"Oh! I forgot! I had a son!" exclaimed Dr. Andonuts. "Yeah, your mama died when you were one, so I chucked you into Snow Wood."

"Ah, right," said Jeff wisely, nodding. He remembered meeting Tony at age four. Tony had held his hand constantly, but back then he hadn't minded. Now, he shuddered, vowing to wash his hands at the next sink.

"Hey, did you see the Sky Runner?" asked Dr. Andonuts, who Jeff had magically and instantly forgiven for abandoning him as an infant.

"Nope," said Jeff. Just then, Lawyer A chucked his briefcase at the wall.

"What was that about?" asked Lawyer B as Lawyer A picked it up.

"I want plot development!" fumed Lawyer A.

"Well, wait. The chapter's almost over, we'll be with plot development soon," soothed Lawyer B.

"Uh...anyway..." continued Dr. Andonuts. "It looks strangely like a UFO, but come on. Get inside and give it a run."

Jeff accepted, ignoring the lack of adequate storyline that detailed how Jeff came to trust his father and vice versa, and got into the Sky Runner, which was actually a deus ex machina in disguise.

And off they were!

Jeff flew way over the ocean, a city (interesting fact: it was Fourside), a desert, and then found himself over a rather nasty city in which it was raining. Just then, the Sky Runner made a bold move by becoming an even bigger deus ex machina and leading Jeff straight to Ness, Paula, Fred, and Buzz Buzz. It slammed right through about 35 zombies and the ground, straight into the pit

CRASH.

The Sky Runner was completely trashed.

As Jeff got out, he noticed three things:

1) There was a zombie in the corner, who waved cheerily to Jeff as he left the trashed Sky Runner.

2) A guy he assumed was Ness looked stupid because he was wearing a bright, blue-and-yellow striped shirt and a bright red hat, not to mention a yellow bookbag.

3) There was an exceedingly large bee in a container around Ness' neck.

"Are you Jeff?" asked a girl's voice. He nodded, looking around to see who had said it.

A blonde girl in a pink dress was standing there. "Oh, good. Can you help us?"

"Yeah, lemme get my Bad Key Machine." The Bad Key Machine was yet another deus ex machina, and he unlocked the door.

"Come on. We've got a cliched escape through dangerous territory to do," said Ness.

* * *

The Adventures of...Jeff!

Also, in case you didn't remember, REVIEW! RAWR! :3

Haha, this was written in Times New Roman font. But it isn't now.

Jeff says that is not funny. I say it isn't either. Forget I said it.

* Note on SOPA/PIPA: When I wrote this, SOPA was still alive. Pretty sure it's been killed now, anyone want to correct me? Or am I right?

And now to write Chapter 7...


	8. The Chapter I'm Surprised I Got To

Chapter 7: The Chapter I'm Surprised I Got To

This chapter in Rise of the Escaryuba was the chapter of several significant events (including a pairing. I'd put a "lol" here if this was a chatroom). It was also exceedingly long.

Don't even think that I'm going to do the same thing here. Cause I'm NOT!

/pout

No, really. But, enjoy it anyway, and...I would ask for a review but I feel like a cheapskate, so whatever.

* * *

Ness kicked the zombie's head as it rolled across the floor, decapitated moments before by Fred and his freaky neck-snapping sleeper hold. (Interesting fact: I (the author) trained in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for three years, and can put you in a sleeper hold.)

"ZOMG!" shrieked Paula in chatspeak.

"What?" asked Ness, frantically looking around.

"Jeff crashed the UFO thing!"

"Paula, we're past that already," said Buzz Buzz dully. "If you forgot your line, don't flub and repeat it in a later scene."

"Oh, right," said Paula, blushing in embarassment. "Sorry."

"Come on," pressed Fred. "We must charge!"

They charged, right through a door.

Ness and co. knocked over a door!

The Door took 12 damage and squashed a zombie!

The Door was defeated!

The Zombie's Cohort attacked!

Buzz Buzz tried PSI Shield Σ! (Interesting fact: That is Sigma.)

The zombie bounced off! It got mad!

Zombie tried Shaq Ω!

Ness gasped in horror!

Shaq joined the battle! Shaquille O' Neal tried Basketball To-The-Face!

Ness took 12 damage! Ness sustained a broken nose!

Paula called for help!

Rednecks 1 through 6 joined the battle!

Jeff called for help!

The Mayor joined the battle!

Buzz Buzz called for real help!

Nothing happened!

The Mayor made the Zombie dance the Macarena!

The Zombie danced the Macarena! Redneck 3 laughed!

Redneck .8 danced the Macarena because he wanted to!

Buzz Buzz wondered how you had point-8 of a redneck!

Redneck .8 didn't care!

The Mayor ate a jam donut!

The Mayor's cholesterol level rose by 1!

Ness and co. tried to escape!

Paula tripped on a tripwire!

No traps were triggered!

Successfully FLED THE BATTLE!

Ness gained a "First Flight" sign!

"Oh, no!" cried Paula. "The dialogue box! Everyone can see that we fled the battle!"

"RUN!" bellowed Ness, and they sprinted off, pursued by a zombie, the Mayor of Onett, Shaquille O' Neal, and six rednecks who wanted them to rejoin the party. (Well, Shaq wanted to hit Ness in the face with another basketball for supposedly exiting his redneck cousin earlier in Chapter 3.)

* * *

Approximately tres hours later, time during which they all got hired at (and fired from) a Mexican eatery (Ness for eating one of the jalapeño peppers and breathing fire on a customer, Paula for accidentally dropping every dish she carried, Buzz Buzz for sanitation issues ("I'm a bug! Whaddya expect!?"), Fred for being undead, and the Lawyers for suing the eatery for operating with a rating of "F"), the group found themselves huddled around Ness in an alleyway. He was on the phone with Apple Kid, the guy who had previously given Ness the Pencil Eraser.

"...and I've persuaded Mach Pizza to deliver it to you!"

Mach Pizza...? "My sister worked there for a bit," said Ness, "despite the fact that I'm 13 and she's younger than me. Oh, and ignore child labour laws...oh, and then she ended up being a friggin' CEO of a storage/delivery company! How does that even work!?"

The two continued agreeing heatedly over the stupidity of it until Paula cleared her throat.

"Oh, Paula says I have to go," said Ness. "Thanks. See ya."

He hung up as a Mach Pizza guy sprinted up to them. "Here, some fat kid wanted you to have this."

He handed Ness a towering stack of what looked like fly paper. "Also, some genius-looking guy wanted you to have this...had orange hair, orange clothing..."

A funny machine was handed to Ness, with one button and a note: "Use it with care."

"Who am I to listen to Orange Kid's notes?" spat Ness. "If I remember, Apple Kid is the smart one. Orange Kid is the dumb one."

He pressed the button. A faint melody played from the machine, and at the end, Orange Kid's voice said: "Remember me, the genius Orange Kid!"

Following was an address and a minimum donation amount, plus fees. Then the machine disintegrated into metallic dust.

"What a moron," said Jeff.

There was more heated agreement over this. After about five entire minutes, Paula cleared her throat again, and they trudged off to the giant circus tent where the mayor was now lodged.

"Mr Mayor, Mr Mayor!" said Paula in her best little-girl voice. (Interesting fact: She was 13, like Ness, but had the strange power to make anyone believe her when she acted a different age.)

"Hi, little girl," said the Mayoer. "What did you want?"

"I am certainly not! And what's a Mayoer?" added Paula, suddenly speaking like a 30-year-old.

"Oh, nothing, Ma'am...and a Mayoer is a typo," said the Mayoer. "Damn...now I need to change it..."

"I think we found a thing to deal with the zombies," said Paula, acting like a 13-year-old now. Ness, meanwhile, let the Mayoer borrow a Sharpie and become the Mayor again.

"Oh, sure, you have," said the newly-renamed Mayor distractedly. "What is it now, Sallykins?"

"What!?" said Paula indignantly. "I expect to be treated as someone who knows what they're saying!"

"Oh! You're not Sallykins. Fire away, then," said the Mayor, looking much more interested as he gave Ness his Sharpie back. (Ness pocketed the Sharpie, looking rather important.)

"Okay...first, who's Sallykins?"

"Some girl - and Sallykins is her real name - who comes in here every day...night...sandwich...I dunno, it's perpetually night. But every 8:00 PM she comes in with some other ridiculous solution for the zombies. I stopped listening after the third plan, which killed 48 people in what was meant to be a sting recon operation. The net result was that we had 47 more zombies to deal with."

"I was one of them," put in Fred, who nobody had realized was a zombie until then (how he accomplished this nobody knew).

"Wait, what happened to the other dead guy?" asked Ness.

"He became my lunch," said the Mayor.

"Uh...right," said Ness uneasily. "Well, I think we have a real solution."

Just then, the church bells rang eight o' clock.

A girl rushed inside of the tent.

"Mr Mayor, Mr Mayor," she said. "It's me, Sallykins!"

Ness facepalmed.

"Today's solution," she began, "is to use zombie pizza to get the zombies to come! And then we ambush them and cut off their heads in close combat!"

Buzz Buzz facepalmed using a foreleg.

"What's zombie pizza?" asked Ness, who seemed geniunely interested.

In response, Sallykins started kissing him fiercely. Paula and Lawyer A, or Adam, did not notice. Jeff did, but looked away, and Lawyer B was asleep somehow.

"No way!" thought Ness. "I have a girlfriend!"

So he did some sort of funny twist and managed to get rid of her. Then she tackled him, pinning him to the ground.

"I am gonna - " she began, but just then Buzz Buzz saved Ness' life...well, maybe not his life, but he saved him from something, I guess.

He buzzed loudly.

Sallykins, deathly afraid of bees, jumped 44.14213 feet into the air with a terrified scream, through the tent roof, then plummeted straight down, again through the roof of the tent. She lay facedown in a small puddle of blood that grew steadily and did not move.

"Oh, no!" cried the Mayor. He began to cry. "That was...was..."

He started sobbing uncontrollably for about 30 seconds.

"Oh, my," said Paula quietly.

"That was...this is..." he spluttered, "our only good tent...no! No! NO! NO! WHY!?"

Paula facepalmed.

Tears streaming down his face, he collaped onto the floor, sucking his thumb and whimpering and moaning like a massive, suit-clad, depressed baby with a squashed donut in his coat pocket.

A rather hungry gnat named Mason flitted by just then.

Mason was the runt of his family. A particularily small gnat, he was constantly maltreated and underfed. One day -

"SHADDUP!" bellowed Ness.

"Uh, anyway," said Paula loudly, over the Mayor's sobs, "we've got this thing called zombie paper. Attracts zombies. Just lay it out on the floor of this tent and burn it...you know what, we'll do it."

* * *

About an hour later, they were in the hotel (which Buzz Buzz was reluctant to go into). Lawyer A and Lawyer B were asleep on the couches on either side of the room. Jeff was lying in one bed, staring up at the ceiling, and Paula and Ness were sitting on the edge of the second bed together. (Buzz Buzz lay on a bedside table.)

"Why is everything about me in parentheses?" he complained.

Ness, meanwhile, was holding Paula, looking deeply disturbed.

"She just kissed me..." he muttered.

"Because she's an idiot," said Paula soothingly. "Anyway, she died a horrible, insect-induced death involving blood and facepalms and tents and mayors who don't care."

"You're right!" thundered Ness suddenly, sitting straight up. (Lawyer B, in his dream, sued Ness for disrupting the peace.)

"Skittles!" cried Jeff suddenly.

"What?" asked Ness, Paula, Buzz Buzz, and Fred together.

"Skittles is one of my innocent swearwords," explained Jeff. "In lieu of..."

"We get it!" said Paula hastily.

"Right. Well, I just realized, if we don't skip through a fade transition implying sleep and HP/PP recovery, nothing will happen in the way of plot advancement! And tomorrow - "

Just then, Jeff was interrupted by a fade transition implying sleep and HP/PP recovery.

" - we should go back to the tent and find out what happens!" finished Jeff. Then he realized it was the next day. "Wait a moment, it's already tomorrow...did we go to sleep?"

"Yes, Jeff," said Paula. "Didn't you see the fade transition?"

"You went to sleep about a second before me," said Ness. "Then you woke up a second after me and finished the sentence you never finished nine hours ago."

"This temporal stuff is confusing," muttered Jeff savagely, beginning to pull out an old pipe equipped with some sort of pulsating, lighted green band of material. He stopped short when he saw Lawyer B sucking his thumb.

"Hey!" shouted Ness. Lawyer A woke up. "HEY!"

No response.

"HEY!"

Nothing still.

Ness took a deep breath. "We need help. Ready, Paula, Jeff, Fred, Buzz Buzz, Lawyer A?" he asked, looking at each in turn.

They nodded.

"HEY, YOU GUUUYYS!"

Suddenly, a theme song started playing, and they sang all the way to the end. Then Lawyer B woke up, thumb shriveled. "What was all that noise?"

"That was us, singing the Electric Company theme song," replied Ness rather dryly.

"Wait, what's that?" asked Paula.

"A show from the seventies...or something like that. I dunno. Lawyer B, stop sucking your thumb. Lawyer A, your name is Adam. Fred, here's five thousand dollars for some brains and organs and stuff. Paula, I love you. Jeff, I don't love you. Buzz Buzz, you're a bee."

"I AM NOT - " started Buzz Buzz, but he was interrupted by an air raid siren.

"Report, to, the tent," instructed a voice, obviously through a megaphone. "Report, to, the tent."

They obeyed the voice, but had to follow Ness through a window because he was complaining about fade transitions through four doors (including the tent flap). The window, he claimed, cut it to two.

So off they went, straight to the -

"TENT!" roared Ness in surprise.

The tent was full, very full, of stuck zombies. Fred was edging hungrily towards the paper, but Paula pulled him back, and he was grateful.

"I'll eat your brains!" screamed one from the floor. "I hate you!"

"You can talk?" asked Ness.

"Yeah," replied the zombie, "but it gets mixed with I HATE YOU! random hateful I'LL EAT YOUR BRAINS! phrases. See? It's like Tourettes, I HOPE SOMEONE LIGHTS YOU ON FIRE! where you can't actually control it. The phrases are DIE! so evil and hateful. Full of demonic I LOVE SEINFELD! things."

"I like Seinfeld!" shouted a guy from far-off. Ness sprinkled holy water on him.

"Don't worry," said Paula quietly, kneeling close. "We'll end it for you." A single, sparkling tear formed on the brim of one eye. She softly held the zombie's hand.

Their eyes met.

Something seemed to click.

She came closer to the zombie.

"Can't you come too?" it whispered, sadness piercing the happiness on its face.

"I can't," replied Paula, the tear dropping like a sparkling diamond onto the zombie's face. It licked it, relishing the salt. "I have to stay here."

They leaned closer.

She was so close. The zombie could see every eyelash. Their lips came closer -

"ENOUGH!" bellowed the director. "WE WILL NOT HAVE ANY ███████ NECROPHILIACS HERE! ...███████ hell!"

"And stop with the romance novel spoofs," added Ness, the heated rage surging through the room like a -

"I SAID, ENOUGH!"

Lawyers A and B sued the author!

The author was court-ordered to stop the spoof!

YOU WIN!

The fic gained its proper writing back!

The author gained a "I just wrote about suing myself for spoofing romance novels!" sign!

"What are we going to do with all these signs?" asked the author, holding the five-foot-long sign. "We can't keep them all."

Ness grabbed a Doors(R) Horizon(TM) computer and maneuvered the mouse off of the screen. He grabbed the signs and dragged them to the Wastebin, then clicked Empty Wastebin. The signs went to an eLandfill for permanent deletion. Then he moved the computer into its own Wastebin, causing a small black hole which the Lawyers litigated to death.

"Okay," said Ness. "Now, to start off our brief meeting, we shall walk outside while this tent burns."

They walked outside as seven men with Molotov Cocktails threw the incendiary devices into the tent. There was a very pregnant yet ephemeral pause -

- a tiny explosion occured within, and the entire canvas thing burst into flame.

"Step two," said Ness. "We walk to that place those two zombies were guarding."

They walked all the way through the cemetery, ignoring the lack of backstory, and found themselves in the hidden forest passage originally guarded by the two zombies. Ness climbed down the ladder first, ignoring the fade transition. When it came back up, he was climbing down a ladder. Just then, an ad popped up.

"Oh, hell," snapped Ness, landing gently on the ad. "Go away!" he shouted at it. The people within struck a few poses. "Here's the 'Cross-armed Opposites', the 'Bunch Of People Waving Their Arms Gleefully', stuff like that. I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH OLD GIRL WEEKNIGHTS AT 8:30 ON FAUX 4.5!" he added.

"Sorry," the author said to the reader. (That's you.)

"God, these ads are annoying," said Fred, dropping down to see what all the yelling was about. Paula, holding Buzz Buzz, followed, then Jeff and the Lawyers.

"I wish we hadn't gotten rid of that computer," said Buzz Buzz sadly.

"I know," agreed Jeff. "Plus, Doors(R) Vista(TM) are hard to come by nowadays."

"Technically, Doors(R) Vista(TM) didn't exist here," reminded Paula.

"Yeah, we had Doors(R) 95(TM)," said Lawyer B, sucking his thumb.

"Stop that!" scolded Adam...I mean, Lawyer A.

"Sorry."

Jeff had the sense to try and close the ad by grabbing the Y button from Ness and pressing it, then stealing the A button and pressing Check/Talk. The ad closed after a brief argument, and they continued unimpeded.

Crash.

Ness walked into a garbage can that had a hamburger in it. And that was it. It was completely clean and otherwise empty inside. He took the hamburger.

After they defeated several more zombies (Ness tried PSI STFU α! The zombies STFU'd!) they encountered a strange mountainous region that led directly to a cave and stood next to a waterfall. The waterfall emptied into a stream that had a rock in it. When Ness walked by, a man dropped down in a spinning motion and said, "Say 'Fuzzy Pickles'!"

Paula, however, gagged at the thought, and afterwards when the album was shown to Ness' mother ("Oh, you two are so CUTE together!" she cried out, and pushed Ness and Paula into a close space together, which they didn't object to but were bewildered by) she burst out laughing there.

The only other things in the valley were some weird-as-anything monsters (Crocodiles and Red Antoids, also pacifists) and a cave, which they promptly entered.

There, Ness was confronted by a "Trashy Roach" that lived in a trailer house and listened to Icky Nimaj. It talked trash, too, and Ness and the roach had a trash-talking competition. The roach won, so it took on Buzz Buzz and lost. Afterwards it could be heard lamenting its fate: "SOMEONE IS BETTER THAN ME AT SOMETHING!"

"Filthy insect," said Fred, half-amused and half-scowling at the bee-like creature.

"Eh," replied Buzz Buzz with a grin.

The competition was driven out of their minds, however, by the strange events about to happen.

"HelLo MiSter! wElcOme To sATurn VaLLey!"

"WTF?" said Paula.

* * *

I like how our last dialogue is "WTF."

Please, do review. I uploaded three chapters simultaneously. Nuff said.

Next Chapter: Oh, wait. I don't do that here. Sorreh. 


	9. Valley of the WTFs

Chapter 8: Valley of the WTFs

Haha. I started writing a draft of this in like...9th grade. But I didn't like the draft, so I chucked it, except for the repeat of the Lawyer-B-Sucking-His-Thumb thing.

By the way, in case you haven't realized, the chapter title is based off of Paula's last line in the last chapter.

* * *

"WTF?" said Paula...again.

"Paula! You repeated your line!" scolded the director.

"Sorry," apologized Paula hastily.

"boIng," said the creature, and it walked off.

"I think we should follow it," said Ad - LAWYER A! promptly. He tried to walk away but was impeded by the fourth wall.

"Oh, shoot," said Ness. "The fourth wall is facing the wrong direction again. OY! Get over there!" He pointed towards the reader, and the fourth wall whimpered and ran back to its proper spot, tail between its legs.

(By the way, before the fourth wall was back in place you could reach through the screen to grab the text and make Ness and Paula and Buzz Buzz and co. say stuff. But now you can't, because the fourth wall is back in place. And rereading the  
chapter isn't going to do anything. You missed your chance. HAH!)

* * *

They had followed the bizarre creatures all the way back to their village. They were now in a house, where they were being held hostage at knifepoint by the odd creatures that called themselves Mr. Saturns.

"We know you know where the diamonds are!" demanded one, pressing the blade of its knife into Ness' arm. "Tell us!"

"We don't know anything!" roared Ness. The blade pressed deeper. "PSI Rockin' ß!"

Light slashed and danced, dazzling the Mr. Saturns yet injuring them. Suddenly, two pulses of light shot forwards together and exploded like bombs, followed by two more. The house exploded: shards of metallic house material flew everywhere like  
shrapnel. The Mr. Saturns holding them hostage fled or died, knives flying wildly in every direction. Ness cut Paula loose with a dropped knife, and they cut everybody else loose.

Blood sprayed onto the ground as they ravaged the village that had been so hostile to them. It was payback time.

Just then, the world cut abruptly to black. The sky swam into view above him, followed by Paula's exasperated face.

"Ness, you moron."

"Where are they!?" demanded Ness, leaping up. "I'll get them - which one knocked me out? Did you get their leader yet?"

"Ness, what are you talking about?" asked Paula. "You walked into a pole and knocked yourself out."

"What?" said Ness, bewildered. "So we didn't ravage the village?"

"Ey!" called a voice. They saw another of the Mr. Saturns. "Over here!"

"Why aren't you talking like the other guys?" inquired Fred.

"Huh? Oh. We were all New Yorkers, put under a curse. All the rest have gone loopy. I'm the only sane one, because I'm a practical doctor."

He, for it was indeed a he, jumped once. Then another Mr. Saturn walked up.

"bOiNg! MiStErS NeSs, wE hAs YoUr PaCkAgE!" it said.

"What package?" wondered Ness. "I didn't order anything."

"tHe PaCkAgE oF cHeEsE yOu OrDeReD, sIr!"

"I never ordered any cheese," said Ness. "I've never ordered cheese in my life. I just walk to the store and buy it myself."

The Mr. Saturn threw a wheel of cheese at him. He caught it and ate it. Then he vomited. "Well-aged Limberger!"

It was Jeff's turn to facepalm.

* * *

They had finally learned of the problems the Mr. Saturns were facing:

- What appeared to be a giant pile of vomit commanding things called Foppies ("WTF!?" said Ness) to capture the Mr. Saturns and force them into slavery, at the same time commanding an army of Threed zombies and other creatures. (The zombies  
were gone now, but the puppets and things were still there.) He also controlled a machine to make darkness over Threed.

- The pile of vomit liked Honey.

- The Mr. Saturns were scared of bees.

- Ness had a jar of Honey he took from the tent he had smashed.

- Pokey was fat and might go after bees if he heard buzzing because of honey. Buzz Buzz laughed.

"So, what's the password again?" asked Ness for the fifth time that day.

"That Mr. Saturn said it was 'Secret Password' or something," drawled Paula idly, twiddling her thumbs and staring at the sky.

"That's a hard password," admitted Buzz Buzz. "People won't think of it. Very clever."

"How's it clever?"

"Nobody will think that the password is 'Secret Password'. It's too bloody obvious."

"Like CPCTC," put in Jeff.

"What's that?" asked Ness.

"It stands for 'Corresponding Parts of Congruent Triangles are Congruent'," explained Jeff.

"I'm going to call that the Captain Obvious Theorem and leave it at that," said Ness dully, and he looked up at a passing aeroplane.

"Wait a moment," said Fred. "That just said 'aeroplane'."

"So?" said Jeff.

"So nobody says aeroplane any more! They're called airplanes!"

Deciding there were enough above-text-has-temporal-vocabulary-inconsistencies jokes in the fic, everyone decided to drop the matter.

* * *

Approximately three hours later -

"Why is it always three hours!?" complained Ness in a fury.

"And where's the ridiculous remark that comes after the 'three hours later' but before the actual plot?" wondered Paula.

I was getting to that. Approximately three hours later, time during which the author ate Chinese food (that beef is weird!) and they all gained and lost jobs at yet another Mexican eatery ("How do you find a Mexican eatery in Saturn Valley?"  
wondered Buzz Buzz), they found themselves in front of a waterfall.

"There's supposed to be a passage behind it," said Ness.

"Passage," snorted Paula. "Here...'Secret Password'."

"Okay, just wait!" called a muffled voice from inside of the rock wall behind the waterfall.

"Jeez," said Ness. "Talk about a deus ex machina."

"The author was listening to Green Day while he wrote it," said Buzz Buzz dismissively. "He felt like heavy plot advancement."

"Quit breaking the bloody fourth wall!" snapped Ness. The fourth wall was indeed covered in blood, having just murdered an unnamed celebrity.

"God bless that fourth wall," said Paula sweetly, kissing it. "It has done a brave thing."

Then she kissed Ness. The author, who has never had a girlfriend (and you probably know why, because he's a nutter, and he writes this story, and because he's got a chicken liver and can't even ask a girl to the movies), turned away awkwardly.

Three minutes later, they were finishing a Mach Pizza when -

A MACH PIZZA? LIKE THE DELIVERY GUY?

Well, that depends, Mr. Intrusive Guide Voice.

DON'T GET SMART WITH ME.

Screw you.

HEY!

Do you WANT them to be eating the Mach Pizza guy? Do you enjoy scenes of cannibalism?

WELL, IT MIGHT MAKE THE STORY ACTUALLY INTERESTING FOR ONCE...

Right. They were ravenously devouring the Mach Pizza guy, sucking happily on his wormlike intestines. Blood dribbled down their chins. Buzz Buzz burrowed under his skin ("Archimedes!") and ate out pieces of flesh, bursting from an eyeball at one  
point. Fred skewered the kidneys on his fingernails and ate them like lollipops. Segments of intestine and liver were scattered everywhere as they enjoyed their cannibalistic feast. Paula swallowed half of the small intestine in one gulp. Ness finished the  
second half. A segment of large intestine that had a springy, tough, rubbery texture found its way into -

THAT'S GROSS!

I thought you liked cannibalism!

WELL...

Maybe I'll just change it to finishing him in battle.

Ness tried PK Rockin' Φ!

Paula shouted at the author for accidentally spoiling a future thing in the sequel to Curses to be Broken, which is abbreviated as PutP!

The author swore!

Ness wondered how he'd used that version without ever having used the four secondary versions!

The Mach Pizza Guy got scared!

Fred punched him in the face! He cowered!

Paula hit him in the chest with her frying pan!

SMAAAAASH!

His ribs broke!

The door opened!

Ness grabbed a pistol and shot the guard!

"Come on, come on, let's go - "

THAT'S VIOLENT.

Shut up. I'm doing it my way now. And no, they didn't beat up the Mach Pizza guy. Or eat him. He recieved an extra-big tip and a pay raise later that day for his fast, efficient deliveries. But the door did open.

"Alright, come on in," said a voice. There was nobody near the door when they walked in. Perhaps they had vanished under the cover of the fade transition.

Jeff, just then, remembered his lack of lines.

"Hey!" he pouted. "Y I no get lines?"

"Y u no talk like normal human?" asked Ness.

Jeff kicked him in the shins. Ness crumpled. At that moment a very large duck with an eyepatch waddled up to them from the darkness.

"Quack want quacker!" it boomed in a deep voice. Then it noticed Jeff. "Quack remember...boy attack Quack! Quack KILL!"

It waddled rapidly towards Jeff, its small duck brain focusing only on him. Ness whipped a Desert Eagle from his pack and shot it several times; it collapsed in a bloody heap on the floor, skidding because of the smooth floor and its speed and leaving  
a bloody smear from where it was shot to where it currently lay.

"Quack...want...kill...boy..." The yellow, webbed foot twitched and was still, and the one eye clouded with blood and popped like a water balloon, spraying the red stuff onto everything in the vicinity.

"Sometimes I think we're coated in blood a little too often for a kid's game from 1995," said Ness. "Also, there's too much swearing...try telling that to Kumatora,' he added to himself, thinking about the fan translation of Mother 3.

"Whoever said it was a kid's game?" asked Lawyers A and B, who had suddenly showed up accompanied by four women.

"Uh."

"Get them outta here!" bellowed Ness. "They can't join us on our journey!"

"Melodramatic," said Paula calmly.

"Jesus!" shouted Jeff a little too loudly. Paula looked coldly at him, and he was silent.

"Alright, come on. Lose them," he added to the lawyers, who looked slightly disgruntled before remembering that travelling with Ness had made them millionaires.

The author finally decided to drop the topics nobody liked!

The review quality was boosted!

YOU SORT OF WON!

Ness gained 0.1 experience points!  
Nobody else gained any!  
Buzz Buzz obtained an "I'm a Bee" sign!

"I'm not a bee," he growled.

Nobody paid any attention. They were all too busy walking inside, leaving their non-conventional weapons and actions outside. Or at least the weird ones.

* * *

"Gah! Slavery!" shouted Paula.

Mr. Saturns were lined up at conveyor belts, packaging cat food while red blobs on legs monitored them.

"They have conveyor belts...why don't they use auto-packagers?" muttered Ness.

"dafuq is an auto-packager?" asked the red blob.

"Gaah, it talks!" screamed Buzz Buzz. "The world is ending!"

"No, it's not," said Ness. He handed Buzz Buzz the "I'm a Bee" sign. "You talk, you're a bee, put two and two together. Bees aren't supposed to talk, but it's not the end of the world."

"I'm not...a bee..." growled Buzz Buzz. "You're making me angry...you won't like me when I'm angry."

Instantly, he swelled and turned a grotesque green colour. Ness held out his right hand and Hydra materialized in it as he prepared for a dramatic showdown with a former friend -

"Wrong story, bro," said Lawyer A, snatching Hydra and holding it over Ness' head. Ness scowled and took out his bat, slamming it into Buzz Buzz's exoskeleton. The head fractured, spraying them all with gooey whitish blood and guts. And out of  
the body crawled -

"AN ALIEN!" screamed Paula, losing her head completely.

None of that really happened.

What REALLY happened was that the author got very drunk (joking, I'm not 21) and forgot how to write after not doing it for a month.

Back to the story.

The red blob - called a Foppy by the looks of the battle log ("Fobbies or Foppies? I always get them mixed up," thought the author) - decided to attack them.

The Fo-y attacked!

Ness tried PK Rockin' Alpha!

The Fo-y somehow dodged it!

Paula tried PK Fire Alpha!

The Fo-y dodged it again!

Jeff used the Multi Bottle Rocket!

The Fo-y dodged all of them!

The Fo-y tried Matrix! The Fo-y's state changed to Copyright Infringement!

It dodged Multi Bottle Rockets, PK Fire Alpha, and PK Rockin' Alpha all at once!

Ness and co. stared!

Lawyer A tried Sue!

The Fo-y dodged the summons!

Lawyer B hired a Bounty Hunter!

The judge issued a court order!

The Fo-y evaded all legal obligations! The Bounty Hunter was activated!

Bounty Hunter tried Arrest! The Fo-y resisted!

Ness attacked! The Fo-y was immobilised and took 1 damage!

Paula tried PK Fire Alpha! The fire melted the 'cuffs! The Fo-y escaped with severe burns!

YOU SORT OF WON!

Ness and co. gained π experience points!

Buzz Buzz grew 20µm!

The author headdesked!

"What the...?" said Ness.

"It infringed on a copyright and got away!" fumed Lawyer B.

"I wouldn't be surprised if I got sued despite the fact this is A) not widely known and B) not for commercial gain," drawled the author.

"Nor would I," grumbled Lawyer A.

"Can't you just erase that part?" asked Ness innocently.

"No!" shouted Paula unexpectedly. "Whatever goes on the internet stays there forever!"

"Quit breaking the fourth wall!" roared the author, at the same time breaking the fourth wall himself by being there.

"Follow your own advice and leave!" screamed Paula. The author, scowling, vanished.

"Okay, now that we're done with all that," said Jeff, "we should probably get on with the plot."

"Plot?" asked Buzz Buzz. "What's that?"

"Will you stop breaking the fourth wall!?" screamed Paula.

"Stop screaming!" bellowed Ness.

"Fine," muttered Paula.

* * *

Two hours later, they were to be found wandering lost through the base. They weren't alone: Fo-ies were everywhere, overseeing Mr Saturns, who were packaging cat food.

"What is it with cat food and this place?" wondered Buzz Buzz.

"Maybe we can find out," said Ness thoughtfully. He lowered Buzz Buzz's container onto a conveyor belt.

"Hey! HEY! What do you think you're doing!?" shouted Buzz Buzz.

"Tell us where it goes!" called Ness after him.

The conveyor belt carried Buzz Buzz and around forty tons of cat food for what seemed like hours in near-darkness. Near the end (although he didn't know it was the end) he was shunted aside by a robotic arm. And luckily for him, this conveyor belt  
took him to...

"A Mexican restaurant?" he mused aloud, confused. "Oh! Hey! NESS!"

Ness and the others had once again received jobs working at a Mexican restaurant. This one was actually in the base's café.

"Hey! It's Buzz Buzz! ...And a lot of cat food," added Ness as he spotted the container. "Why all the cat food?"

It turned out that they were chefs instead of servers now, which meant they were in the back rooms where the supplies generally came in. Buzz Buzz was soon in his place around Ness' neck, and watched along with the others as another chef  
prepared some food.

First, the man took a tortilla in his ungloved, rather dirty hands. He creased the edges slightly and set it down. Then he spread some lettuce and cheese over it. (At this point, the group had already decided never to eat at a Mexican restaurant ever  
again.)

Finally, he grabbed a can of cat food from the conveyor belt as it made its way to a port labeled "Storage". He placed it on an electric can opener - whirr! - and then dumped the contents onto the tortilla. He moulded the weird little cake into a rod  
shape and spread it out before rolling the tortilla up and placing it on a serving tray.

"So THAT'S why Burrito Bell's burritos taste like cat food...they're made of it!" whispered Paula.

"That taco is more salmonella than food," muttered Jeff in disgust.

Just then the Taco attacked!

The Taco used Unsanitary!

Ness felt nauseous!

It didn't work on Paula!

Jeff felt nauseous!

Lawyers A and B investigated the sanitation level of the restaurant!

It didn't work on Buzz Buzz!

Fred ate the Taco!

Fred felt a little strange!

The Eatery Boss joined the battle!

Ness tried PSI Heal ß! Ness recovered from nausea!

Jeff couldn't help it! He threw up on the Eatery Boss!

The Eatery Boss called for help!

An Illegal Immigrant joined the battle!

The Illegal Immigrant tried to pass illegal drugs to other chains via the conveyor belt! Adam - LAWYER A! stopped him!

The Eatery Boss backhanded Jeff roughly! Jeff took 15 damage!

Paula whacked the Eatery Boss with a frying pan! The Eatery Boss was dazed!

Ness tried PSI Hypnosis α!

The Eatery Boss fell asleep!

A pig tried to join the battle! It worked! The author swore!

The pig tried PSI Starstorm Ω! Ness dodged it! Paula dodged it! Jeff dodged it!

The pig tried PSI Magnet Ω! It failed! Paula tried PSI Fire γ! The pig was cooked!

Ness took a bite! It was delicious! The Illegal Immigrant tried to stash his drugs inside of the pig skull! Ness whacked him with a baseball bat!

YOU WIN!

Ness and co. gained π exp. points!

The author was labeled with "Writing Deterioration"!

Ness was labeled with "Pork Roast"!

Paula was labeled with "Psychic Chef"!

Jeff was labeled with "Vomit Comet"!

The Eatery Boss vanished mysteriously into a can of cat food!

Ness glanced around. "Huh." Then he sat on the conveyor belt and almost went into the chute - he would have if Paula had not saved him, sighing, "Oh, you're hopeless..."

They continued in this vein for some time.

"They're running a drug house or something," muttered Lawyer A. "We could bust 'em, Jonny - "

"LAWYER B! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE INCOGNITO!" shouted Lawyer B.

"Jonny? Like Jonny Buckland?" asked Ness.

"Ness! Stop channeling the author!" snapped Paula, for the author is a huge Coldplay fan and Jonny Buckland is the lead guitarist.

Finally, they reached a gigantic pile of - slime.

"What the hell are you?" asked Buzz Buzz rudely.

"I - BURP! - am Master Belch! ...Urp..." it replied.

"Nice name," commented Fred, looking mildly amused.

"Thank - URP! - you," answered the massive slime pile.

"So what are you doing?" asked Ness.

"I - ULP! - am doing wURPrk for the greater - BURP! - good!" thundered Master Belch.

"Wurprk?" retorted Paula. "What?"

"Work! I meant - BURP! - work!"

"Stop burping! It's ruining the dialogue!" shouted Ness.

"I can't - URP! - help it," replied the monster with as much dignity as it could muster while burping.

"I don't think he can, Ness - " piped up Jeff reasonably, but Ness pushed him out of the way and broke his glasses. "My glasses! I can't see without - "

"Shut up, nerd!" shouted Ness.

"Ness! Quit being a jerk! This is the wrong game anyway! You're not Teddy!" screamed Paula.

"Oh. Right. Sorry, Ana," he apologized.

"Ness. This is Mother 2," said Jeff, sounding slightly put out.

"What was that, Loid?"

"Ness - "

"My name's Ninten, what are you talking about?"

Paula hit him with her frying pan and turned to Master Belch. "So, can we just knock you out of the way and proceed now?" she asked.

"Eh - URP! - sure...but you'll - BULP! - have to put up a - SEINFELD - good fight!" replied Master Belch.

"One sec, what's a Bulp?" asked Fred.

"A burp and - URP! - an ulp."

"Why did you say Seinfeld?" asked Lawyer A.

Belch responded by burping noxious gases into the faces of both lawyers. They crumpled, unconscious.

"No! We can't litigate him now!" cried Paula.

"Get ready for this!" screamed Belch, wobbling back and forth like a starving Marlon Brando.

Master Belch attacked!

Paula dodged quickly!

Paula attacked! Master Belch took 92 damage!

Jeff tossed the Jar of Fly Honey! Master Belch went insane over the Fly Honey!

Ness came to!

"Kamehame - "

"You can't do that! That implies that the author watches anime!" shouted Paula.

"How?" asked Ness. "I only read it on the internet once as a joke."

"That came right from an anime," sighed Paula.

"Damnit!"

The battle resumed! Ness tried PK Rockin' ß! Master Belch took a fair amount of damage!

Ness yelled at the game designers for not giving an exact figure!

The game designers ignored him!

Paula tried PK Fire γ! Master Burp's body was engulfed in flames!

Ness took out his trusty Sharpie and changed Burp to Belch!

Master Belch thanked Ness!

Jeff brought up the interesting fact that "engulfed in flames" didn't become a status effect until Mother 3!

The author ignored him!

Jeff kicked the author in the shin!

The author consented to the legal document that explicitly stated that he was no longer to use "engulfed in flames" as a status effect except in his rewrite of Mother 3!

Master Belch vomited flames!

Jeff screamed as he was engulfed in flames!

The author swore loudly as the legal document was also engulfed in flames!

Ness cheered! Paula kicked him in the shin!

Nathan leapt out of a portal! The author facepalmed!

"Navenstrae Cretaille!"

Master Belch took 124011209347231242938902 damage!

Master Belch attacked!

Nathan was thrown into a cat food machine!

"How the hell did you survive that!? You're just a normal EB monster!"

Master Belch burped in response!

Nathan shot him with a beam from Navenstrae!

Master Belch ate the beam!

Nathan's eyes bugged out! O_O

Ness kicked Master Belch in the shin!

Master Belch was defeated!

YOU WIN!

Nathan was labeled with "Useless OP OC!"

The author was labeled with "C-C-Contract Breaker!"

Master Belch was labeled with "Glutton!"

Nathan was also labeled with "Mary Sue!"

Nathan shot the author with an AA-12 for labeling him like that!

A certain Twoson ambulance carted the author off to the hospital!

(Please hold for about a week before reading further to simulate the author's recuperation period.)

(You didn't hold! You jerk! ...Oh well. Keep reading. Not like it matters.)

Ness was labeled with "Autocorrect!"

Jeff was labeled with "TMI STFU!"

"Wait," said Paula. "How does Belch have shins? He's an amorphous blob."

"Don't ask questions," said Master Belch from where he lay on the floor. As Paula said, he was an amorphous blob, so it was less lying down than spreading out.

"I'm so embarassed," said Nathan, making a ._. face.

* * *

After that awkward incident, they found themselves in - a tunnel.

"So what's that thing?" Ness asked, watching a creature that looked somewhat like a live rose.

"It's called a Ranboob," replied Jeff, consulting a magical encyclopedia.

"What...who names this stuff?" Ness asked, frowning.

"Dunno," came the reply. "We just kill the stuff, remember?"

As they exited the tunnel, a number of Mr. Saturns approached them. As their speech largely consisted of springing noises and meows, the group had to pick out the one that spoke proper English and got him to translate.

"They want you to bathe in the hot springs and then drink this coffee," explained the Mr. Saturn.

They climbed into the hot springs, magically wearing bathing suits. As the Lawyers conversed in hushed voices and Fred pretended to drown himself ("Yes, we get it, you don't have to breathe," sighed Ness), they washed the dirt and grime from their  
bodies. Or, more accurately, most of them scrubbed off dry bits of cat food and Fly Honey, while Ness wiped the blood of who-knows-what off his shirt and Fred slowly disintegrated.

"I'm a zombie," he growled. "Whaddaya expect?"

After their bath, they drank coffee, which was apparently spiked with some sort of hallucinogenic drug or a large amount of marijuana (I told you there would be drug references!), as Ness immediately began to visualize badly rendered circles on a  
blue background with text.

"Ness," said the text, "you have come very far..."

"Cut the crap and get to the point," he snapped at it.

"...Okay, fine. I'm warning you, there's this effing crazy guy in Fourside who's hiding this creepy gold statue thing. Also, once you get back to Threed, Fred will no longer be with you. Well, he'll turn back into a human, but after that he has to return to  
his prior familial obligations. Got it?"

"I guess," said Ness indifferently. "Is this going anywhere?"

"No. Not really. Also, if I were you, I'd pay a little more attention to Paula than you're giving her. She deserves it, in case you can't tell..."

"Can't tell what!? Don't leave me hangin', bro!"

The text faded away and Ness continued to stare at the blue background. Since it didn't go away, he fast-forwarded to the end of the chapter.

* * *

...Well then. This has got to be one of my favourite chapters so far, which is saying something.

Not much to say, except that I've been writing and hacking computers a lot lately, which has been interesting. Mainly my own PC, but also my mother's to test my skills. Expect more updates sometime in 2013.

~ A-Lord-Over-Birds - That feels good to type.


End file.
